Modus Operandi

November Rain

2007-07-28T13:41:00.000+08:00

It's only July, but what the hell.

This song is universal, and timeless.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Untitled

2007-06-25T06:20:00.000+08:00

"Because somewhere, just somewhere out in that small island, someone is thinking of you."

Never knew how much of me you constituted of till I saw you go. A part of me died, when I let you go.

But always remember:

"Maybe if we think of how there's purpose in what we do, we might find the strength to move on."

Yeah, move on till I find you in my arms again.

Journey

2007-05-27T10:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a peaceful day.

Château Marquis de Terme, Gnarly Head Zin, Pork Ribs and Corona aside, yesterday was still a peaceful day.

I treaded that usual path we always walked on, but alone this time. I could literally feel those nimble fingers of yours in mine, smell your subtle scent, hear those high-frequency footsteps providing the backdrop for our conversations that seem so trivial, but had actually been imprinted deep inside my heart.

To think I used to think finding my way around was a matter of possessing an acute 'sense of direction'. This time, I felt that I was merely instinctively finding my way to you. I smiled, yes I smiled so much as I recalled with great vivacity the small talks we had.

The bimbo/blonde bimbo moments that last forever, police post, the Scott joke, the cockroaches, the orange lights, the cat food, the evil-looking cat and finally the staircase leading to your door.

It was there and then I realised how much times we spent together were memorable to the very last detail, so much so that you don't even realise it's hiding at that particular corner of your memory bank.

But it was also there and then that I realised how I don't just crave and hunger for these nice moments with you.

Because it was there and then that I realised how, Château Marquis de Terme, Gnarly Head Zin, Pork Ribs and Corona aside but the tear-tinged Fish & Co experience included, yesterday was still a peaceful day.

Simply because truth to be told, I find myself helplessly not only willing, but also wanting to spend every moment, good or bad with you.

There has never been a better feeling when you find yourself at ease with your loved one whether you're with her or not.

Peace out.

With all my heart...

2007-04-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

I know not of anyone else whose hands I want to hold so much.
I know not of anyone else that can make me smile at ease so much.
I know not of anyone else who makes my heart beat so fast, so fast, so fast.
I know not of anyone else who shed tears I can't wait to wipe off.
I know not of anyone else that makes me remind myself to be careful when we touch; for she is so delicate.
I know not of anyone else I want to be with now, tomorrow and the days that follow.
I know not of anyone else that I wished would tread this strenuous path with me.
I know not of anyone else whose lips fit mine like a jigsaw puzzle.
I know not of anyone else who embraces, kisses and touches me at the perfect places.
I know not of anyone else whom I'd travel all over the island and remain sleepless for.
I know not of anyone else I'd give up the world for.
I know not of anyone else that makes me go on and on with this list because the sheer thought of leaving her causes the syndrome: tears they fall down like rain.
I know not of anyone else who would share my Vanilla Latte with me and still have me smelling the edges of the paper cup, trying to recapture her breath in every inhale I take.
I know not of anyone else who always feeds me the best parts of each meal we take together.
I know not of anyone else who remembers every single word that exits my mouth.
I know not of anyone else who makes me feel so special, who makes me rethink about my philosophy of life.
I know not of anyone else whom I'd rather have as a 'lucky girl' you once spoke so fondly of.
I know not of anyone else who can make me so jealous in a matter of seconds.
I know not of anyone else who can make me blog while listening to music; because the music is 'Run', because the music is our music, because the music has become me.
I know not of anyone else who makes my heart ache so much as I reminisce of the times we had together.
I know not of anyone else who makes me so determined to be optimistic about everything.
Because I know not of anyone else I'd rather give all my trust, faith and heart to.

Because all I wanted to say was I love you.
With all my heart baby,
I love you.

Yours truly,
10.09pm
xoxoxo

Lies, truths and a piece of thread.

2007-04-05T20:01:00.000+08:00

I saw her eyes swell up as they conjured up feelings of a worn, beaten little kitten. They were painted with shades of jealousy, of resentment and of pain. You could almost see how each and every word pricked her hapless heart as she recounted past experiences that seemed to slap her right in her face; experiences that grew from little germs of insensitivity. I didn’t just see. I felt it. I felt, as I’ve spoken elsewhere, ‘the twisting sinews of thy heart’. There was seemingly so little, yet so much internal bleeding going on. No, maybe it wasn’t bleeding. Maybe her heart was just dripping with blood as she reminded herself what the words friendship, unintention and stereotype meant.

Truth to be told, we are all a bunch of absurd jokers walking on thin threads. Just like the ones we see in circuses. Threads that create the fine divisions and partitions in life which, when crossed, hurt others. It is with much contempt as I witnessed others crossing the fine thread differentiating stereotyping and being sensitive. And it is with most contempt as I saw, with my very own eyes, a seemingly untouchable girl being stabbed unwittingly by the careless wielding daggers of others. And this girl we speak of is my girl.

I am neither thirsting for vengeance nor tasting anger in my mouth. I merely saw the power of perspectives and how it is so contemptuous that we always fail to see other angles from where we are standing. It is like a few men standing around a statue before them. Each one of them will tell you with so much conviction about what they can see from where they stand, but no two claims will be the same - for no two men will bother to unroot themself to explore other perspectives. We are just like one of these few men. We only stand at our respective positions and see what we want to see, think what we want to think, although we go on claiming that we see what we saw, and think what we thought. Sorry girlfriend, that’s just not gonna work out.

Because until we are able to step out of that position and take a walk around the statue, we do not pass off judgements as conclusions. And more importantly, we do not hurt people closest to our hearts unknowingly. But the upsetting fact of life is that we rarely take that step; for we are too afraid to venture beyond the piece of thread we're stepping on.

Because simply, you might as well go and die if you fail to exit planet Oblivion.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enough of angsty talk. It's high time we discussed a topic I really enjoy discussing – Art.

Because I've always prided myself as an artist of some sorts:

An artist, to me, has a distinct philosophy of life that is very much humane and alive, far from the passivity that the masses have so paid their dues to. He is true to his audience, for he paints not with his paintbrush, but with his heart. The brush is but the medium through which this heart manoeuvres and whispers its private thoughts and feelings to. And feelings we speak of here command a life and vibrancy of a tyger, yes, a tyger. The tyger with a soul that puts flaming gorges to shame. He is oblivious to the whinings and little musings of the masses, albeit being mocked, teased, or even condemned at some point of another. But this is the price he pays for the gem he truly values. A gem known as Individuality. A gem synonomous with Uniqueness. A gem synonymous with the Infinite Beauty of Life. A gem that has been unwittingly become You.

But I fervently believe I'm more than just the above.

First, we speak of Lies; lies conjured by incessant and untimely phone calls of pseudo-jealousy. A seemingly powerful jealousy that could turn altar wine sour. Then we speak of cookies, warm drinks and a good music album. Lastly we speak of everything else till we tired the sun with talking and sent him down the sky.

Second, we speak of the other end of the spectrum, the other side of the polarity - Truth. And the truth is simple: I've been thinking about the uncertain future and being uncertain about everything. I'm not sure of anything. We're not sure of anything.

But there's one thing I'm sure of.

I'm sure of the fact that I will do anything within my means to bring a smile on your face, keep you warmer than warm, and bring that 'light amidst the darkness' you spoke so fondly of. Even if it means traveling half the island or losing some sleep.

Cause baby, I'm loving this insomnia.

And did I mention that I'm more than just an artist of gems and paintbrushes?

I'm an artist who uses lies to tell the truth.

Blue eyes blue

2007-03-26T09:24:00.000+08:00

A great man once said,
'Every man's memory is his private literature'.

I'd retort that statement with enough conviction to shake this ol' earth.

My private literature is more than just that. No, she hasn't got blue eyes, but I promise you, there are the most beautiful pair of eyes I've seen in a long time. It is not the eyes per se; for to lay down a judgement based merely on size or looks is severely depthless. Or even severely insulting if I may suggest. Truth to be told, it is everything but the eyes when one looks back in hindsight. It probably is the sheer and utter power of the gaze, the gaze that pierces me so deeply you just hunger for more, more, and even more. A gaze that speaks words, phrases, sentences, even letters I so long to hear.

On a note more than just a side one, yesterday was a good day. Been long, so long Ivan. But it was a good day.

And then she asked me why he was willing to spend this precious ammo on her but he just smiled to himself coyly, and said nothing. But he was just being another Leonidas, cause all he wanted to say was, "Sugar, that's cause you're my precious".

And then another great man once said,
"When I am with you, I stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't get to sleep.
Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them."

What the fuck, how am I supposed to retort this one?

But is that alright?

2007-03-13T09:52:00.000+08:00

Be forewarned: By reading beyond this line, you are engaging yourself in mind-numbing, aethist, emotionally unstable writings that calls for a mind that is more than just resilient, but also one that possesses strong DISCERNING POWER. For truth or lie, fact or fiction, literal or hyperbole, the artist leaves you to judge. The artist also sincerely hopes that, just like most his works of words painted on electronic media than on canvas, you will enjoy them as much as you always did. Lastly, it has to be strongly emphasised that this artist does not require any form of sympathy, empathy of any sorts with regards to his writings. There should be no questions asked in real or virtual life with regards to anything written in this post, and this blog in extension. It his private space, and by respecting it, you will find nothing else but peace at the end of the road. Hopefully.

Leave me out with the waste,
This is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time,
For somebody new.
It's a small crime,
But I've got no excuse.

Tuesday. Early day. Bad day. Last day.
Sat on the bus, thought about you, and tasted tears that have yet to fall since more than half a dozen months back.

I used to tell myself that life was just a 4 letter word. Like everything else, everything loses its value the minute you look into it hard enough. Life in itself, is intrinsically meaningless. And in this God-less world where we are left to fend for ourselves, life is more than meaningless. Life becomes absurd. And how tragic have man become (myself included), that we can only look back at our fragmented past that probably never was, and laugh to ourselves, thinking, "I don't even know why the fuck I cried for!"

Maybe you did then, but you probably didn't. You only cried because you thought there was some spark of light waiting to be ignited. You only cried because you thought there might be something waiting for you to respond to. There has to be no doubt about the absurdity of the human conditon and Man in general in the light of the aforementioned.

But who the fuck is to say that there is any doubt in that genuine, flawless, taintless sense of pain you felt when you shed your tears. I remember, I remember. I remember how it felt like divine punishment, for the pain was more than just existing. The iron fist twisted the sinews of my heart, loosening it only at the ebb of my heartbeat and the occasional hint of a mental breakdown.

Such, dear reader, is the highly understated, yet power, of the human capacity to feel, or even to love. While I've been a master of the former, I'll lament and lick my salt-tinged wounds till I see the latter at the end of the road.

Of dilemmas, and what the hell, teaching.

2007-02-24T15:18:00.000+08:00

Well hello world, again, this is your friendly friend speaking to you once, again. Now before we get into anything else, here's some sporadic but well, nevertheless crucial and important updates about my life. Or should I just say update since nothing much has changed, except for the fact that I am a teacher now, a relief one at that. And of course before I continue, I shall give you the momentary benefit of closing your open jaws and easing your estranged pupils upon reading that unbelieveable phrase 'I am a teacher'.

But knowing I remain who I am and god-damned proud of it, I shall say it once more: I am a teacher.

Anyhow, then again, maybe updates would be a more pertinent and, well, relevant word to use since the plural function connotes a myriad of stories, and yes of course, a plethora of experiences to share with all of you. And, as I've said elsewhere, that's why I'm here, again. And before I slip into the regular tranquility of the familar, the ease of repetition, I shall get on with my story.

And so my story begins on the 21st of February 2007 when I reported for work at CHIJ Primary School (Toa Payoh). Being the first male teacher ever in the school (or so I was told), it was strangely awkward and, to some extent, exhilirating to see so many women, or should I say, women-to-be staring at me as if I was some sort of exhibit. Hey wait, I still am an exhibit or some sorts.

The rest, they say, is history.

It's been amazing the way I've been running into a string of good luck of late at work, so much so that things that are meant to be remembered and embedded deep within our memory bank become forgotten. One of which is the... well what the fuck, A Level results. I haven't been giving it much thought of late but it was until I heard the occasional 'oh my god', the not so occasional 'I'm so fucked' that this hapless, or to some extent, cruel fact of reality hit me. And good lord, did it hit me like it hit V or what?

I've been hit with timeless thoughts about how possibly bad my grades might become. Ever since the formula Hardwork=Success didn't quite work out and has since been debunked, fear seems to replicate and proliferate faster than H1N5 virus within my bloodstream.

I've also been hit with even more timeless thoughts, or perhaps they might sadly remain as fantasies until 'March the Second' (behold!) comes to thee. Well, ever since the formula Hardwork=Success didn't quite work out and has since been debunked, the ever resilient Ivan sought to gain his success via ways and means that not only included sheer hardwork, but also a tad bit of intelligent studying and what not.

But, as I've said before, things didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to during my As (refer to Econs Essay screwup), so it's really hard to tell, you know. And what makes it all harder is having a high-flyer sibling who constantly reminds you to take some time running and eating and sleeping and think about what I want to do next. Such choices become difficult and eventually, annoying to make because without friggin grades, we can't make friggin choices yet. It's not like I haven't got a rough sketch of some sorts (Teaching Literature or Photojournalism per se); I just need more affirmation when 'March the Second' comes to thee.

On a side note, I'm about 40 days away from my Canon 30D.

The rest they say, is of dilemmas, and what the hell, teaching.

Cheers.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars

2007-02-03T06:59:00.000+08:00

Take a quick glance of the night sky, and you see a mass of darkness.
Take another closer look of the night sky, and you'll see the tapestry of beauty.

Your heart moves, skips a beat, your breath loses its momentum. You never knew the sky could have so many stars. You're in awe.
And that's why I'm here again.

This week, I did 2 camps simultaneously. As nerve-wrecking as it was, I managed to survive it and it wasn't all that bad really. Whilst most have the tendency to go on and on and on about what went on in the camps in a mindless and totally boring fashion, I'll be trying my best to steer away from that course because, as I've said somewhere else, life is about moments. And here I am, guiding your hand into one of those memorable moments in my life.

I first met Sara on Monday. While she didn't inflict much of an impression on me, what struck me most distinctively was her sheer arrogance as if the world revolved around her - a myth that has been debunked centuries ago har har. All in all, she was the epitome of an A-Grade school's student.
You take a quick glance of the night sky.

But things changed from the minute we reached campsite. While stubbornly refusing to abandon that mask of arrogance, she attempted to increase contact with me. Not only did she began cajoling me, she was getting physical - lying her head on my shoulder, putting her arms around me and what not. For a 11 yrs old girl, is that some serious shit or what? My impression of her was dropped as fast as her switch in attitude, because who the fuck would imagine a friggin arrogant bitch who wouldn't care about anybody else but herself to throw herself all of a sudden at you, in ways not even women of my age would think of attempting. You'd say the society has changed, kids are different now. But I'd say that all I say was a mass of darkness.

As things failed to take a change for the better, I started to lose my nerve. To compound it all, she walked towards me during lunch on the 2nd day with those eyes that stared at fixatedly, commanded with that tone and said:
"Ivan, I want to talk to you after dinner."

And so we did. But this was not before I told my buddy, Hakim about this problem I'm facing:

I: Alright Sara, I think we need to talk, because I believe you have something to tell me.
< Silence for 2 mins or so, and Sara begins to cry. >
I: Ok look, if you cry, I can't help you. If you keep crying, I can't hear you. If I can't hear you, I cannot understand what you want to urgently tell me, and I won't know what's wrong. So please, hush, hush.
< Crying subsides, but does not stop. >
I: Ok Sara, firstly do you trust me? Ok good, so you will listen to what I have to say? Cools. Right now, I need you to close your eyes and think of nothing at all okay? When you're ready to talk, let me know.
< She follows my instructions, and this goes on for 30mins or so, with me staring at her throughout the entire period. >
I: Ok Sara, you ready to talk?

Yes she was, she always was. And this is her story:

I have one elder brother and one elder sister. One is JC2 and the other is Sec. 4. They always beat me and hit me and scold me and call me names. I dunno why but they just hit me very hard here *points on her skull*. I know I irritate them because they say so, but I really don't know what I did to irritate them. And when I tell my mummy and daddy about it, they scold me, say they are right because they are older than me. And I must listen to my 'che che' and 'kor kor' because mummy and daddy is very busy making money for all of us in the family. No matter what I say, they will never listen to me. Instead, they start to get angry with me, and beat me too. Then I will see my brother and sister from the corner of my eye laughing at me.

You take a closer look at the night sky...

Not long after I sent Sara to see her teacher, Hakim, my buddy, came and talked to me. And this is what he said:

Dude, this kid is depressed. I know because I spoke to her before you did, and she doesn't like like you, but she likes you because she said there was never anybody to care for her at home or elsewhere. Now she doesn't want to go home cause she thinks she can't find anybody like you.

And you'll see the tapestry of beauty.

Your heart moves, skips a beat, your breath loses its momentum. You never knew the sky could have so many stars. You're in awe.
And that's why I'm here again.

Enter Civilisation II

2007-01-21T18:07:00.000+08:00

I’ve wanted to write everyday – for writing is nothing short of being one of my closest passions since god knows when. That is, however, an ideal. And in this world full of imperfections that are waiting to be recognized via close scrutiny, ideals remain ideals until they are worked on. That is hence my reason for my blog’s lack of entries and whatnot.

Moving ahead, as I’ve been moving on with life a lot, I’d just like to let everybody know that I’m currently working as a freelance camp instructor. And of course, this entry was very much spurred on by my limited but highly fruit job experience in this industry.

At the most general and basic level, I lead groups to do various activities ranging from high elements etc, all of which possesses the most fundamental undercurrent which is to hype up the kids, and all of which serves the purpose of letting my kids have fun and enjoy the camp.

Enough of cliché nonsense, and more onto business. (PS: at this point in time I’m getting a little pissy cause my writing has deteriorated tremendously.)

My job experience has been tremendously fruitful not only because it is in line with my passion to serve others via teaching, but also because it is highly satisfying. And I say that with much conviction that comes straight from an earnest heart.

There is nothing more satisfying than seeing your kids growing up in 3D2N – no doubt about that. However, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing yourself grow along with them. Being in several camps throughout the month has taught me to be a lot more appreciative of the things around me. For the first time in my life, I look forward to going home not because I miss my bed or my shower facilities, but more so because I’m worried about what I’ve missed out in civilization while I was out in the woods. Maybe it isn’t exactly a form of ‘looking forward’, but the sense of urgency was definite. It is a scary thought thinking how you would just go home realizing that something bad has happened to one of your closed ones. And to compound that, you weren’t there at all to receive the news at first hand, nor attend to it. The taste of that feeling remains a paradox to me even as I’m writing now – I’m not sure if that’s a blessing in disguise or vice versa. All in all, the sense of appreciation that has been instilled, installed and drilled into my kids has ironically been counter-balanced on my side. Such is the highly cliché and cheesy nonsense that I feel all the time. But, these feelings are nevertheless true to the very last word.

And I do have to admit to myself that I feel so lonely at times. I really do. Whenever I come back from camps, I sense the cloud of purposeless-ness hanging around my head. The air smells vile, stale and stoic, and the sense of wanting to go back to conduct more camps is highly, highly urgent. It’s times like these that I look back and think about the times I was attached, times when there was someone to live for, to be lived for; to care for, and to be cared for. Such a person is missing in my life for many, many months, and I really despise this sense of want and need. At times like these in the past, it was not soon after before I began to find a companion.

Whether it was hurried or not, I’m not sure really. The only thing I was sure of, was that at that moment when I uttered and felt the words ‘I Love You’, I did truly meant them. As Conrad once wrote: We live in the flicker – may it last as long as the old earth keeps rolling. It took me so damned much of pondering and consideration before I felt that life is nothing but the compound of several precious moments. Moments that never last, but come as real as they can when they do. More often than not, they may disappear in a flicker, but they will always leave their footprints forever. And it is these moments that I’ve decided to live for, to love, and to be loved.

But similarly, I’ve grown sick and tired of relationships. Whilst being the source of precious memorable moments, the lure of platonic friendships retain their stronger sense of appeal albeit implicit.

I have not trying to pen an essay of glorified desperation. I have merely been affirming my life of bachelorhood. My life of moments.

Enter Civilisation

2006-12-09T10:16:00.000+08:00

Just came home from my 3D/3N expedition (ok I know this sounds like a typo but we started it on Monday evening.)

And by the way, it was fantastic. We had our ups and downs, but the overall experienced was more than satisfying. I'd go back there even if it costs a bomb, any time. Apart from the usual rowing, camping, getting bitten by mosquitoes and the like, it was friends, and people who were around that made it really fun with the capital F.

I saw many of my juniors grow up like gargatuan spiders going out of style. People like Luffi and Justin (omgzzzz bloody good choice we picked for a captain) really impressed me. Especially the former, grew up so friggin hell alot its unbelievable. I still remember Luffi as the slightly childish, lame junior that didn't command even a fraction of the respect he does now. Kudos to you both.

Well, while some things change, others don't. One fine example is our stupid dumb arse J1, Erwin. Motherfucker is still like a friggin kid with capital K, I and D. Fancy him jumping around after he pee-ed just cause he felt relieved. -_-
Please, kindly refrain from telling others you rowed with me as my partner during Nationals.

People slimmed down too LOL. Like Jenny and Pei Han. Fierce man, all the rowing melted those booze and baby fat away.

With everyone looking either bronze or macho, boy, did the J3s feel like losers or what. On the first day, I felt like this out of style snowman sitting in the middle of the Arabian desert with the stupid dumb arse J1 Erwin providing much needed and necessary contrast which, I, at the end of the day, didn't very much reciprocate the LOVE back hahaha. G-T-R. Got that right.

Met some kick arse NYAA people too. Like Feline for instance. Very shy girl but sorry, that kinda thang don't work out with people like me, Tzi Qing and Erwin. And didn't the bloody Erwin did kill her, did he not? Bastard child always poaching attached women.

And well. I actually left the Expedition pretty sad, down, upset and well, down. Wasn't at the peak of my mood because I knew somehow it would be the last time rowing. I think Chris did the right thing when I got onto shore for the last time - He came to give me a hug haha. Very gay but just what I needed most. And these emotions were just compounded by the feeling of regret, waste and degeneration over the lack of courage over certain matters.

But good things come and go don't they? If things seem worst right now, they can only get better. Nice phrase from Mr Fox.

Till then, I'll be thinking of you. And may you be happy.

I guess it all boils down to this

2006-11-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

I screwed up my Econs Paper 3 big time.

I'm not trying to boast or anything, but truth to be told, Econs is and always has been my strongest subject. I just blanked out when I started the paper. I don't get it, the questions just looked so damn foreign to me though I've read about them, practiced a-zillion papers and what not. But so what? Like anybody's gonna give a fucking damn. It doesn't matter how well others think of you or how well you have always been doing. Like your friends/teachers' testimonial about your grades will help at all. There's just no justification as long as you screw up your paper. And I can't believe that I, my name, Ivan Tan, 3006/0082, will be judged by that those pieces of incomplete essays and that complete thrash I handed in less than 6 hours ago. No man, that won't do. That just isn't fair. I want my A. And now I can't get it. Not anymore.

I feel like a fucking loser. Like a dumb ass motherfucker who, under test conditions, simply can't think properly nor perform. I don't get it either, this has no logic at all. I have never freaked out for examinations at all. Not even once. And this time it has to come down so hard on me; I'm like a motherfucking stepping stone for some top school motherfucker's success. And this, whether or not I like it, isn't gonna bloody hell change. Everybody has told me that I shouldn't brood over it because I can't change a thing. But it's particularly and pertinently because I can't change a damned thing that's why I'm behaving in this manner. My head's about to explode now. I'm drained over this whole damned shit. Subconsciously, the stress is proliferating because I bloody hell damn know at the back of my head that I must do well tomorrow for Econs Papers 1 & 2 if I wanna even come close to a decent grade.

I feel like letting go right now really. I'm just that close. I just wish I had the strength to at least tide over this fucking crisis. And I don't know who to turn to. Mortals aren't helping with their insensitive remarks and behaviour; both of which I can't blame, and the omnipotent's forever missign from my life.

Well hello world

2006-11-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

Aloha.

I've got practically zero inspiration to write. And I'm particularly anal when it comes to publishing entries because I'm a fervent believer that what you write is more or less what you are. Hence if I publish thrash, I'm, well, I'm stating the obvious.

To reach out to the deepest depths of my heart and prick it a little, I find a nebulous entity known as the conscience. And to be true to this entity, I'm gonna say that I'm writing this entry simply because I just read an unnamed-individual's blog and it more or less infuriated me. Simply because it's complete thrash that's coated with mindless, or (excuse me), downright thrashy rhetoric. Perhaps it's not either or; it's like mindless compounded with thrashy. Mutually reinforcing. Thrash remains thrash notwithstanding.

At this point in time, I look back in the dumb ass window that's framing my words, and I feel somewhat restricted. I wished I could have written all of these with a pen . And have them published on what our dearest "Straight" Times labelled as a "...rising phenomenum. Companies are watching too." a.k.a the blogging community. Like wow man. To all companies reading this, kthxbye.

Word has it that Bush is coming to Singapore, and hence the delay with some papers on the 16th and 17th. My guess is that the Asian leaders are getting a little wobbly with the plethora of Free Trade Agreements Lil' Georgie hooked them up on. That is, after the Republican 'got a thumpin' from the Democrats. Har har. And in direct relation to this issue, JW and I were speculating if the bloody CIA would be drawing up quarantine zones around Singapore. And if they did, what could possibly happen to our skulls if we stepped into it.

Alright nuff nuff. A Levels is getting to me. Till then.

patron of My pain

2006-10-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

Oh Rimbaud, Rimbaud
patron of My pain.
Where are you when I needed you
When I needed you to

Gnaw at my flesh and
Rip my ribs apart and
Take my Heart and

Throw it out. Yes,
Throw it out. Out to the deepest
Gulf of icebergs,

Till the gods come crushing down and tumble
On the fucking Bastard.
You son of a bitch.

Oh Rimbaud, Rimbaud
patron of My pain.
Where are you,
When I needed you.

In celebration of the human spirit

2006-09-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

May I present to you, 2 beautiful poems I've came across these few days.

They told me, Heraclitus, they told me you were dead;
They brought me bitter news to hear and bitter tears to shed;
I wept, as I remembered, how often you and I
Had tired the sun with talking, and sent him down the sky.

And now that thou art lying, my dear old Carian guest,
A handful of grey ashes, long, long ago at rest,
Still are thy pleasant voices, thy nightingales, awake;
For Death, he taketh all away, but them he cannot take.

I died for beauty but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth, the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

They're beautiful not because the words are pretty. They're beautiful because they rarely come by. And amidst the dark world we live in today, and always have, the contrast simply accentuates the inner spark it brings. For William Blake once said, "Without contrast, they'd be no progression."

Indeed, true 'progression' of humans at its best.

The days grew hot, O Babylon!

2006-09-26T20:47:00.000+08:00

People talk of the ‘tragedy’ in my (plays), and call it ‘sordid,’ ‘depressing,’ ‘pessimistic’—the words usually applied to anything of a tragic nature. But ‘tragedy’ I think has the meaning the Greeks gave it. To them, it brought exaltation, an urge towards life and ever more life. It roused them to deeper spiritual understandings and released them from the petty greeds of everyday existence. When they saw tragedy on the stage they felt their own hopeless hopes ennobled in art.”

They are hopeless hopes, “because any victory we may win is never the one we dreamed of winning. The point is that life in itself is nothing. It is the dream that keeps us fighting, willing—living! Achievement, in the narrow sense of possession, is a stale finale. The dreams that can be completely realized are not worth dreaming. The higher the dream, the more impossible it is to realize fully. But you would not say, since this is true, that we would dream only of the easily attained. A man wills his own defeat when he pursues the unattainable. But his struggle is his success! He is an example of the spiritual significance which life attains when it aims high enough, when the individual fights all the hostile forces within and without himself to achieve a future of nobler values.

Such a figure is necessarily tragic. But to me he is not depressing; he is exhilarating! He may be a failure in our materialistic sense. His treasures are in other kingdoms. Yet isn’t he the most inspiring of all successes?

This extract totally took my breath away.

Damn imabalanced.

2006-09-24T15:21:00.000+08:00

A pitiful and wretched thing
Is life, that swiftly passes by.
Death's angel o'er us spreads his wing
And through the world resounds his cry:
"All must perish, all is vain!"

All that upon this earth draws breath
To earth must fall beneath his doom,
Sorrow alone escapes our death,
to carve upon the gaping tomb:
"All must perish, all is vain!"

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! STRINDBERG AND O'NEILL ARE UNPARALLELLED!!!

In veno veritas

2006-09-23T14:32:00.000+08:00

I'm such a geek - My post-prelims days are spent reading plays and novels non-stop. So far, I've finished 2 Ibsen plays, 2 Beckett Plays, 4 Harold Pinter Plays, re-read Long Day's Journey into Night, gave up on Hornby's Long Way Down because it's getting damned boring (but the Virginia Woolf joke was just classic) and finally, in the midst of finishing Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion.

As you can see, I'm practically ransacking Edmund Tyrone's bookshelf, but please don't take it as one of the unnatural symptoms of a mugger. Rather, I find myself when I read those decadent plays that's not only tinged but infected and plagued by pessimism, malaise and infinite sorrow of modern man; that's just like you and me. Plus it gives me orgasms.

Naturalists touch on topics I so enjoy, in particular Ibsen's obsession with 'truth in marriages' and man's over-idealized notion of romance and love. When I read his plays, I just go,

"YEAH MAN FUCKER YOU GOT IT ALL PINNED DOWN TO A T!"

And when I get high on music, I shout out to my maid,

"IT IS THE HOUR TO BE DRUNKEN SITI! BE DRUKEN, IF YOU WOULD NOT BE MARTYRED SLAVES OF TIME; BE DRUNKEN CONTINUALLY! WITH WINE, WITH POETRY, OR WITH VIRTUE, AS YOU WILL!!!!'

And make her reply (with vehemence),
"IN VENO VERITAS!!!!"

YEAH, TRUTH WE FIND IN WINE!

Anyhow, I was listening to U2'S 'Walk On' and its amazing how, through all these years, the intro riff still pierces my heart as it did the first time I heard it. And it makes me wonder, if the song pierces me (no phallic implications) because it softens me, or because I just let down my guard and you know, kinda like embrace the whole shit. And I can't help but remember this very nice but cliched line that goes,

"Artists paint on canvas; musicians on silence."

Woah, quite apt right.

Where have they all gone?

2006-09-22T11:59:00.000+08:00

I feel so lonely at times.

Was having my lunch yesterday alone, and treading through the innate barren lands of cynicism. And I questioned myself, why can't just eat as much as I want and not think about getting fat. Like why can't I just bloody enjoy the moment.

It's just like, why can't I just forget the pessimism and just enjoy the moment; embrace love, and fill the void that's been present ever since. These days I find it hard to carve out an identity for myself; something I can stand back and examine. But how can I, when I don't even understand myself, nor know what's driving all these vehement thoughts and actions. I still stick firmly to my life philosophy that there is no greater force harder to control or expect then from ourselves - that is, our own actions. We determine our own fate, and paint our lives chapters by chapters as our decisions guide them.

But how do you paint, or draw, or write, when you don't even know what are the words coming out, or how the picture will be turning out to be?

Experience sucks, and once you've sunken into this cesspool you just can't throw in the towel and say, 'That's it'. Because the problem is that there is seemingly no end to this manure you've stepped on. The bitter taste of life sucks because once you've tasted it, you can never forget it. Because life, as Schopenhauer puts so well in his essay, 'On the Suffering of the World', gets painful because we always remember the bad experiences, and let the good ones pass by.

Do I still remember the first time I got myself a scholarship; walked up the stage, shook the Prime Minister's hands and took my prize money? No.
Do I still remember the sweet taste of victory when I got through my Heats during Nationals? Yes, but only because I've gone through so much suffering and pain to get to that stage, and that's why it's memorable.

Joy is passive, but pain isn't. It jerks your soul like a fucking flicking cork, and before you know it, your heart bleeds and you cannot do anything else but stand at the bottom, and hold it all on your shoulders. Because you know nobody's there to care, nor help you heal. Nobody at all, but yourself.

I'm having a terrible existential dilemma, because I don't know what constitute me, and myself. I'm so terribly frightened at the thought of me, as I know of, being driven by my unconscious. And does anyone have any idea how scary it is, to know that a large part of your 'rational decision making process' isn't that rational nor controlled afterall? And before you can resolve this crisis, strata and strata of shit just piles on top of your head.

With such an intricately woven web of life, how can one truly enjoy a moment? Till I learn how to crawl my way out of this, I will always be the person I never think I am.

And you will know my name is the Lee when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

2006-09-17T13:00:00.000+08:00

Not a-fucking-gain. THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW IS MY FUCKING FAVOURITE MAGAZINE ZOMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. PAP's gonna sue them till they tng sar tng kor for sure. How to dao cheong with PAP?!?!?! Argh... I'm so fucking pissed now. Damnit.

Published: September 14, 2006

SINGAPORE Singapore's prime minister and his father, who founded the modern city-state and holds a Cabinet position, have filed a defamation suit against the publisher and editor of the Far Eastern Economic Review.

Citing court documents, Dow Jones Newswires reported Thursday that Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and his father, Lee Kuan Yew, filed the suit on Aug. 22 against Hong Kong-based Review Publishing Company Ltd. and FEER editor Hugo Restall. FEER is owned by Dow Jones & Co. Inc.

The lawsuit centers on an article published in July about Chee Soon Juan, an opposition politician in Singapore.

Restall wrote about Chee's campaign for more democratic freedoms in the tightly controlled city-state and how the ruling People's Action Party has sued a number of opposition politicians. The article also criticized the government's handling of a corruption scandal at a charity, the National Kidney Foundation.

Chee, an outspoken critic of Singapore's government, was bankrupted in February and barred from standing in elections after failing to pay former prime ministers Lee Kuan Yew and Goh Chok Tong some 500,000 Singapore dollars in libel damages for comments he made during the 2001 elections. In March, he was jailed for eight days for questioning the independence of Singapore's judiciary.

FEER's publisher and Restall have until Sept. 25 to appear at Singapore's High Court to respond to the suit, Dow Jones Newswires reported.

A FEER spokesman declined to comment.

Before filing the suit, the Lees sent a letter to Review Publishing demanding that it remove the interview from the magazine's Web site, issue an apology and pay compensation.

Review Publishing proposed publishing the Lees' letter on its Web site and asked for an interview with Lee Kuan Yew, who ran the city-state from 1965, after it separated from a short-lived federation with Malaysia, to 1990. His son took over in 2004 from Goh, though the elder Lee retains the Cabinet title of Minister Mentor.

Ruling party leaders have successfully sued several opposition politicians and journalists for defamation over the years. They say they sue to protect their reputations.

Domestic and international critics, including the U.S. State Department and London-based rights group Amnesty International, have accused Singapore's rulers of using defamation lawsuits to stifle opponents.

I know who you are but what am I?

2006-09-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

These days I have no idea what I want anymore. I used to pride myself at being one of the few who just can't seem to get stressed, but I guess reality has not only caught up with me, but has also bitten quite a bit off me.

First and foremost, I have no idea why despite starting so early for my Prelims, I still find myself NOT EVEN FINISHING HALF OF HISTORY, like seriously omgwtfbbq. Nevermind about that, I'm kinda resigned to the fact and can only console myself by saying that I shan't "peak now". Later, yeah yeah whatever.

The thing that perturbs me of recent is my aggressive hold on my status; one that's single, carefree, and free of commitments and restrictions which a relationship could otherwise impose on me. Everytime I stray a little away from this comfort zone, I feel the strong desire to return to my territory, far away from this grey area we commonly call "love".

I was wrong, so wrong. I thought I could be happy with someone as long as I thought she suited me, suited my expectations of an ideal companion. But I was all so wrong. And this is the part that particularly annoys me, because if finding someone whom you think is good for you isn't gonna work out, then we'd have to relegate the decision to that of feelings, of instincts and the like - Things that have gone all wrong in the past, for me at least. Rationality and passion are just such distinctively divided areas in my shoes. It's just so fucking hard to find a common compromising area that I can safely "invest" my feelings in. I say "invest" because after 3 failed relationships, I'm really pretty much drained, tired and most importantly, cynical about this whole damned thing.

I feel so damned guilty now because sometimes my feelings give way, and I make the wrong steps, leading you on and on and on and fuck it; I'm too much of a coward to take risks with someone I care too much for. As of now, my stand's very very clear - I want to remain single. And in case the world thinks I'm joking, I'm not. Even if you find me in a relationship, that'll probably be a fling, yes a fling.

You're not a fling, and that's why we're not in a relationship. Understand?

Wah.

2006-09-02T11:17:00.000+08:00

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.

So sappy but also so beautiful. One of my favourite quotes since 4 years ago.

kthxbye

2006-08-13T11:54:00.000+08:00

People often provide me with some very expected feedback about my blog - Too angsty, too serious, no where like the Ivan we always knew in 'real life'. In response to all your laments, I often reply: "What then is reality to you?"

Unfortunately or fortunately, I'm not the "what you see is what you get" kind of person. Perhaps this makes me all the more interesting, but it is by no means intentional. This is me, and what is me, I cannot answer you because commenting on your personality is just awkward, stupid, and many times condescending. I'd love to tell you that behind this screen sits a uber dashing hunk that holds a high paying job and drives sweet cars but in the process, I'd be lying and bullshitting about an existence I don't even come close to living.

My point here is as such: I cannot promise you that you can reconcile whatever you read here with "reality", but I can jolly well assure you that what you're setting your eyes upon is of utmost truth, fact, sincerity. Tears too, would make up a huge part of the list. I'm not a firm believer of first impressions, and as the age old saying goes, "Looks", or may I contend, "Looks and impressions are only skin deep".

If you enjoy reading my blog, thank you very much. If you don't, nevermind about that. My suggestion to you is, if you're new to this, I'd recommend that you read my entire entries before passing a judgment. And even then, I'd be sure you won't understand nor comprehend the true meaning of my entries, and henceforth, handicapping you of any right, or ability to judge me.

This post sounds like a first post doesn't it? One that introduces readers into my world, or whatever you might call it. But I'd tell you very explicitly and right into your face that the only thing I'm thinking now is closing down this blog. Because pricks, irritants and scums of the earths who're too quick to judge screw me over and over, and then refuse to listen to my explanations at the end of it actually get to me.

They hurt me, and spoil my day.

And I haven't got that many days to waste in this manner.

In My Room

2006-08-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

There's a queer quality about locking up myself in the room which I find especially therapeutic. I mean despite it being really warm and stuffy, it's still the only place I seek comfort and solace in. It's the only place I can sing my hearts out after a day of sin; a site for redemption and self-reflection. Amidst the magnificent world, herein lies a place I can call my own, where I can truly be myself for no fear of scrutiny, mockery or the like.

I'm usually lost in my own world inside, and given the already mentioned circumstances of my humble abode, there really isn't much validity in locking myself up. And many times, I just wish my parents would quit probing and leave me alone to myself. Like Don said somewhere else, "Home becomes the best therapy when you're out all the time".

I've been reflecting on my current position, and I've concluded that I really want to remain the way I am - Alone, angsty, reflective, focused and misunderstood. Alone as in single, unattached. I'm so sick and tired of the rumours between Jiawei and I, and really, I'm beginning to lose it. Please people, give me the break that I truly need. I'm already frustrated enough with other things in mind, so it would really help if the quantity of teasings you guys generously deliver could tone down. Like how I've said, I'm often misunderstood and by whatever means and for whatever reasons, you guys can find me anal or petty for losing my temper over it. But if you could even put yourself in my shoes, I firmly don't particularly think you guys will enjoy one bit of it.

If this continues, I'm afraid friendships will be strained, precious one at that. Already, Aloysius is beginning to get annoyed by my annoyance with their "jokes". Yes I don't deny that I'm taking it a bit too personally, but there's a limit to everything. Everything. And on the other hand, I feel increasingly awkward with Jiawei. The reality of the situation is such that, the unintended consequences of these rumours have taken a toil on our friendship. Everything I do that's associated with her becomes a bloody TABOO, and the same goes for her. Like geez, I just ended a relationship about month ago, and people expect me to get into another one? To compound all of that, I've been very very very tolerant. Easily, I can divert the rumours away with my Trump Card. But I know that in doing so, I will be hurting other parties and ultimately shifting the entire burden to Jiawei, which isn't very fair.

It is by no means my fault that Jiawei likes to hang around with me, or the gang for that matter. I do not deny a single bit that we share many interests in common, but to solely accord that would be an oversimplistic judgement, undeserving of the 18 years of experience you have. But the way things are turning out, it does appear like I BLOODY HELL DESERVED ALL OF THIS.

All I have to say is that if things happen, they happen. And for now, nothing has happened, and I don't think any will too in the near future. Status quo is here to stay, so don't bother fastening your seatbelts for the ultimate gossip of your life. We remain strictly as good friends. And she to me, is one of my best friends, period.

And for now, I'll shut myself up in my room and behave like a recluse. I need therapy.

Edit:
Oh yes I've just expanded my bookshelf from the 20% Sale Kinokuniya had yesterday.
Bought War and Peace, Vindication of the Rights of Women, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Suffering of the World. Sacrificed my Economics revision for some non-academic enjoyment, and truly tasting the fruits of guilt as I type now haha.

Knowledge

2006-08-05T23:16:00.000+08:00

You cannot unlearn what you've learnt.

In light of to many 'good lucks' I'm getting from my peers and others alike, I've gotta acknowledge that I'm not a firm believer of luck. I've always held a firm belief in the concept of luck, but of late, it has dwindled and become alot more ambivalent that it was. It's the ability to stay awake, the motivation, the fire that I need. Not luck. Luck's useless when 95% of my examinations are graded on Essays.

But a part of me remains superstitious. For instance, I've not touched my favourite FCUK tee for ages, just because something bad happens to me everytime I wear it. Usually, the suffering one is my school work.

Back to the topic.

Well this is once again, another story of a same friend of mine. Someone who's really naive, and totally lost in his world of his own. Or rather, I'm lost in the world of my own, because I bet 90% of the population are like him - Simple-minded, carefree and totally unsophisticated. He hasn't gone through alot, unless you count in the highly regimental lifestyle he leads because of his mum's existence.

This fellow is really hilarious at times because he never understands our jokes. Especially those that utilise American slangs. And it doesn't help that he doesn't take Literature, something that's subjected to constant mockery in the CJC "Family" hur hur. So basically, he's really alone and more or less ostracized. Poor fellow.

But seeing his MSN nicknames compound our impression of him. He's just that simple, nothing really major troubles him. While on the other hand, someone like me ponders upon the world, my purpose in this life, the existence of God, the stupidity of religion, the lack of anthithesis between good and evil. The list goes on.

I'm not sure of anything else, except this: He's living a much happier life than I do.

Status quo

2006-07-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

It's funny how I feel when we're together. It's always bitter, never sweet, yet so memorable. I guess charm matures like wine - It just gets more mellow as the clock ticks and time goes by.

I'll probably never make the first move, or any at all to begin with. Perhaps because we know each other too well, to the point that all negative externalities just seem to overwhelm the better side of you. And thinking about all those negativity does make me very skeptical. Considering all the areas we don't click just turn the tables around for those aspects that work out. Being the safe player I am, I'm reluctant to risk a healthy friendship we share now. And I'd gladly indulge in short flings if need to, just so as I can bury my need for passion, for someone to love. Perhaps.

I really have no idea what I feel, and I don't wanna spend all my energies just so that I can come to a conclusion. Perhaps I'm afraid to come to terms with myself, but as it is, things remain, and I'm happy the way they are.

And I suddenly felt like listening to Bryan Adam's Everything I do I do it for you.
How uncanny. How un-ivanly sappy can things get haha.

I've waited two years for this day

2006-07-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

I thought I’d bring the AGM to a more personal level, because I felt sharing my personal experience from a perspective of a non-default elite of the team would raise the occasion, or event or whatever the hell to a different slant and angle.

The exit from CJC Canoeing left not ripples, but waves. The repercussions of an initial decision to join this team were to be tremendous in my life of the future, and more importantly, right at this very instant as I’m addressing every one of you here who’re sitting down in front of me. The transformation, I believe, to many of you here, are visible. Weighing a whopping 75kilos when I first entered Canoeing, I was a typical loser, no where close to an orthodox perception of this highly demanding sport. I couldn’t keep up when the team ran; I dreaded water trainings because I capsized like it was going out of style. The list goes on. But that isn’t the point that you should be going home with today.

The concept of Fate is something I believe many sitting here today embrace. And at the initial times, I often lamented at this unfairness that arose fundamentally out of this inherent knowledge the relative physical fitness inferiority I possessed. But my life changed, because of the burning desire to WANT TO CHANGE CIRCUMSTANCES. I thought that, even if my Fate was against the odds and that even at the end of the day I know I am predestined to not make it for finals, or maybe not even through Heats of Nationals, I was not going to give up without coming close to smelling a victory. I told myself that I was going to come as close to succeeding even if I was doomed to fail. Such was the attitude and mindset of a fighter that Canoeing has instilled and even drilled deep inside me. Here.

What does it mean to be a Canoeist? Or to be more exact, how much does it mean to be a CJC Canoeist? I fondly remember my defining moment came about when I received my team jersey and jacket. It was like receiving a source of pride although my singlet and jacket were more or less thrown to me as it they didn’t matter to me. It was the proud sense of identity I embraced at the moment, and gladly cherish now. A CJC Canoeist is a disciplined fighter that stands on a moral high ground backed by a strong sense of integrity, commitment, tight sense of focus. We fight because we know we can do it, and more importantly, because we do it. These are the core values that you should be aiming to enrich yourself with, not petty physical desires like getting a tan, bigger brawns and subsequently smaller brains. When you leave Canoeing like we do, all of those will fade away in no time. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It is the inner spark that never fails to extinguish – the flame that will come a long way in lighting the path before you.

My friends, you will be equipped with a set of tools that draws it fundamentals on mental toughness; and this will bring you far not only in Canoeing, but also in life. There are periods where you will be faced with shrouds of confusion and you lose your sense of direction. It is no use to believe in yourself – The reward comes in value-pack when you look back in hindsight and see that you do not procrastinate. Adopt an attitude whereby you’re never satisfied with yourself, because you only aim to go higher. No less would do justice.

Your path is paved clearly in front of you – Your aims are to firstly get your grades fixed, and only then can you focus on Canoeing. The reality of situation is such that, you have no so called “life” if you want to stay on in Canoeing. Then again, what is a “life”? This is not being antisocial. You can go out once in a while, but do not make it a tradition. The lack of antithesis in this crucial element known as “balance” will be the bane of your Canoeing career. I’m proud to say that I’ve emerged out of this Mid Years with a B, C and D. You must be clear of what you’re fighting for, and never say die or quit halfway at what you’ve set your mind on. Even if you want to call it quits…

Quit the post-training outings and dinners, and focus only on your work and Canoeing. People who lament at their circumstances are not fighters, they’re losers. And the category of people who shift the blame to Canoeing when all goes unwell deserve to be killed, exterminated, and killed again.

Quit being a nice guy. You’ve gotta be an angry 17-yr old to bring yourself to greater heights. I used to be angsty inside because I couldn’t do 10 pullups, because I came in last, because I was slow, and many other bullshit. And that anger fuelled my desire to improve and improve, and improve. During my December holidays, I trained everyday for 2 sessions privately. This isn’t about being selfish, this is about responsibility and living up to the standards of others. Mr Hoi has been most kind in encouraging me to stay on and fight on. Such opportunities do not come by easily. Seize the day, and fight hard. Wearing the jersey carries just about that much responsibility if you want to deserve it.

Stepping beyond the boundaries focusing on the individual, we land on team dynamics. It’s CJC Canoeing TEAM we’re talking about here, not CJC Canoeing ME, as I fondly recall Alicia’s words. The tapestry we’ve woven here has been tinged with sweat, blood and tears – It’s a lot of hard work, and sometimes, jackasses amidst us just fail to appreciate this synthesis that means the world to me. There is a distinct, yet subtle difference between the power hungry, and the leader. As an individual, you should strive to carve out an identity for the team, not destroy it. Today is not only an annual election campaign of some sorts, it’s a chance for you to evaluate your position, and decide if you want to stay on. If you want to, make sure you fight all the way, and make things happen.

It was a mere 15 minutes or so, but these were the 15 minutes of my life. I had so much to say, yet so little time to spare. But basically, the jist of it is presented to you above.

I actually failed to control my emotions during my speech, and broke down half way. It wasn't exactly the kind of tears that fell because of sadness or disappointment and the like, but rather, it was tears of gratitude for Mr Hoi's faith in me.

Such are the priceless (cliche but true) turning points of your life you gain from Canoeing. To compound on what our Principal aka Brother Paul said, the Canoeing experience is worthy of retaining simply because its values and lessons are universal. Through the upheavals you experience in this gruelling sport, you learn new lessons in life that nothing else can match up to. And these are the lessons you can easily translate into other aspects of life, such as your school work. I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes things are just best kept the orthodox manner.

Digress a bit. This junior of mine caught my eye for some time ago in the midst of a joke my friends and I were sustaining. It started off with this unrelentless search for potential hotties around our life, but ended up somewhat impactful. Well all I have to say's that she's mesmerised me, but the story ends about here.

I think for the benefit of another innocent individual and mankind, I should quit getting into relationships. I've never knew how to truly love a girl as a lover, and don't think I will soon. Sad, but true. Facts hurt most of the time, just like how Alicia was being so terribly fierce yet truly pragmatic and down to earth at the same time today.

I still vividly remember your double eyelids were beautifully accentuated by those terribly beautiful specs of yours (in my opinion anyhow). Add your hair to the list, and you work out so well for me like a perfect mathematical equation.

How nice if we could be good friends. Till then yellow earrings.

A bad note

2006-07-26T23:54:00.000+08:00

There are moments in life I wished I could edit.

My relationship with my Literature teacher, Mrs Sng might have attained a new high ground this year, but I feel that it still isn't enough. These days, she makes me feel really stupid and bad about myself. Unknowingly, she wields tremendous amount of influence on me. Every negative remark she passes about me really slaps me right across the face, and the feeling just isn't exactly pleasant.

I guess I've started on a really bad note with her; frequently sleeping in class, not doing assignments and the like. To compound it all, she thinks I'm a huge hypocrite. Paradoxically, being genuine is one value I prize greatly. So in a way or another, I feel really insulted by her.

The fundamental reason why I feel this way is because I feel I'm underrated - Like indie bands. She might think I'm intelligent and all but being 'intelligent' just isn't enough for me. And today she just had to smack me right across the face by telling me, "Write so much yet cannot score". All of these come in the light of my failure to get into Literature enrichment despite getting similar grades to others in my class who did get into it. I feel it's so unfair, and I can't help but think that I'm just darn useless and have no potential nor flair for Literature; something that never crossed my mind. It's the things she say you see.

"Enrichment is based on Mid-year results and teacher's assessment of your potential."

Well, I guess she must be quite shallow to take my mindless comments seriously. You know the whole fiasco has had such a great impact on me that now I'm reconsidering taking Literature in University. My initial (and stable) plan was to take up Literature in University and teach in a JC hopefully. But right now, those dreams are dashed, destroyed in a mere split second.

But like I've said elsewhere, I'm a fighter, and will not succumb to little setbacks in life. But before I do that, I'd have to recover from it right? And that's exactly something I'm not coping well with. Oh well...

Life of a bourgeois

2006-07-23T16:40:00.000+08:00

You know sometimes, I motivate myself to pick up my books only because I wish to live a life of luxury. A life of a bourgeois.

I love clothes, good food and women too much, and these seemingly unattainable objects of desires make the battle worth fighting for. What an irony. Unattainable, yet worth fighting for.

You see, I've been thinking about it through during one of those "Why-am-I-working-so-hard-for?" days (one of which happened to be today when I was sipping my drink at Coffee & Toast, which sucks by the way.) It's like, is there any point at all in attaining these 'worldly desires'? What if I work my ass off, only find myself in a situation whereby the achievement of all the above mentioned objectives reap nothing but emptiness?

It all happened like that. These days, after I broke up with Sonia about 3 weeks ago, I found myself with ample time to do whatever I please. And tagging along came a lot more money, since there was no need for fancy dining and stupid mindless string of Hollywood blockbusters which literally, give blockheads a blast. So here goes retail galore, not therapy, because I was never devastated to begin with. A little upset about the development of our post-breakup, especially on her side, but never devastated. Not worth the expense you see, and note, I say it without a single tinge of jealousy.

So far I've bought myself a new pair of jeans (woohoo finally), 2 new tops that go well with it, and today, a new pair of shoes. While contemplating on my shoes, I was thinking over, will my endless shopping rampage ever satisfy me? I guess maybe it will. Afterall, I love looking good. Because my philosophy is as such that, mankind are intrinsically, and superficially too ugly. Much less the not-so-inclined-to-hunk looking ones like me right? Hence, people (especially me), need nice, not necessary fancy clothes to underscore ourselves as more unique, and colorful characters. Besides, I think the way you dress shapes your personality more or less. And I'm proud of the identity I've created for myself.

But looking back in hindsight, all these mindless attainment of luxries never did satisfy my inherent need for something more important. It's obviously not a girlfriend, as experiences fruitfully explain. Neither is it good looks or whatever shit. It's just an emptiness I find hard to explain. Some sort of void space inside me. I'm not sad or anything, just lacking a bit of direction that I really rely on to move one.

On the topic of reliance, I'm so thankful for my grandparents for taking care of me when I was ill. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but my parents are seriously too concerned about making money to care about me. Imagine having to come home from school on a day you're down with a 38.9 fever only to find out that your mum cooked Assam Sotong and Fishhead for you to eat. Like seriously what the fuck with a capital W, T and F. Being sick for a fucking week really made me think that this time's bonkers for me. And I was hoping I would die on Friday morning during assembly. While I was sitting down on the bench enjoying the skies that never fail to awe me, plugging into my iPod listening to a suicide victim.

Ahhh Buckley...

Too good to be true.

2006-07-17T19:39:00.000+08:00

I think it's time to give relationships a miss, and get on with what's more productive in life. I'm officially single since the week before the last, and I've been getting on fine. Nothing much as changed, at least negatively. On the brighter side, I have way much more time which I realised I should have grappled with in a more efficient manner.

I always fail to understand why people can get so devastated over failed relationships. Perhaps its an innate expectation, a subconscious behaviour that just summons itself from the depths of your mind, manifesting itself in the so called 'sadness', 'depression' or perhaps 'despair'. I do not deny that the first few moments of knowledge that you're single again can be pretty awe-shocking. I just find myself lying on my bed, shedding a tear or two of a failed relationship. All the what-ifs bombard you like plague - What if I had done this, what if we had been this way. The list goes on. But unfortunately or fortunately, I don't feel that sort of misery that most do. Perhaps it didn't really bother me, perhaps it was just second-nature to feel numb to such incidents having been hurt over and over again. Perhaps I didn't knew how to love. But what's definite was that I saw the thing coming.

The concept of love is a perplexing subject. I guess at the end of the day, both parties just fail to agree on this fundamental concept. While I fuelled the relationships with commitments, responsibilities and the occasional romance, she was reminiscing of the past, of the beautiful memories that just failed to resurface. More importantly, she had the expectation of fuelling it with passion - something that, in my opinion, never lasts.

I'm not totally heartless in this sense. I still miss her very much, and every now and then I find myself looking at our pictures together. All the laughters, chatters and teasings are still vividly revolving at the back of my brain. But at the end of the day, they remain as memories, something I'd remember fondly as one of the high points of my life. Till then, the page is flipped over, and a chapter moves on. So much for love.

It's the end of the road.

2006-07-13T21:22:00.000+08:00

Yesterday has got to be the most memorable and heart-wrenching day of my life.

My canoeing career has potentially ended yesterday with a knock-out in semi-finals. One and a half years of training gone in a flicker of the light - a Mere two minutes and twenty seconds. Maybe I’m just trying to console myself, but I feel now that at the end of the day, winning is not all that matters. The journey matters more. It’s been beautiful.

My journey started last year in March 2005, where I was a fat, white boy who couldn’t even run for 2 minutes without panting like a boar escaping his predator. Weighing 75 kilos, pull-ups were a total no-no for me. I was a typical loser, and still was when I made up my mind to join Canoeing. Like most of my teammates, I wasn’t one of those hard-core insane fellows who joined Canoeing because I know I’m gonna be able to channel all that fire into it, but more because I just wanted to be fit. More importantly, I wanted something challenging. I was sick of wallowing at the plight of my physical and mental degradation, and decided to get a life, and do something about it. God knows this would be a bloody reality check.

Training was insane, bloody insane. Water trainings were hell for me because I felt darn uncomfortable in a narrow Kayak which I could barely move at free reign. So many times, I just felt like turning my Kayak around and heading back shore. And many times, I headed back to the water again. I did do so for a few times, but every time I did, my time spent on shore was one of bleakness, or regret and shame. I felt stupid. More importantly, I felt that I could have completed the entire training programme. I knew that there was this innate spark in me that wanted to just get a life and move on. To be frank, I think I was the only one who looked forward to land training more than water trainings, just because I was afraid to capsize, to be in water, and be challenged.

The whole fiasco just accumulated, and I swear to God, many times I felt like throwing the towel in the bucket and calling it quits. Thankfully, I had a few peers to lie onto. And these people would eventually formed the bulwark of teammates that I could count on every time I needed a pat on the back. I firmly believe that time, and even now, that everyone thought I was going to quit. But trust me people, I’m one of the many whom most thought would quit by the end of a month or two. I didn’t quit, and those “powerhouses” slowly faded off one by one, allowing people like me to catch up and prove our worth. Within my class, out of the total 3 canoeists, I was the only sole survivor left in it. And I’m proud to have achieved that status.

The point here is, don’t be too quick to pass a judgment on yourself. You will never ever know what happens at the end of the road, and if you devoid yourself of the opportunity that’s presented to you, you will only live in regret. Or maybe in self-denial, because you don’t know what you’ve missed. To me, Studies is an utter bullshit excuse to quit canoeing. It’s the determination that counts, not the externalities. Without a doubt, Canoeing is physically and mentally draining. But it isn’t unreasonably tough to the point that nothing is possible post-training sessions. And I think I’ve proven this point pretty decently, scoring B B C D for Mid-Years.

At the end of the road, I can only look back and smile at myself, feeling so proud of being a CJC Canoeist, and a committed one. Being able to experience all that it has got to offer has been a blast. And a very good one indeed. What you guys taught me, I’ll never forget. Thank you Cher, Mr Hoi and all my awesome teammates for everything. Thank you so damn much.

All you mainstream objects of conformity

2006-06-25T22:49:00.001+08:00

I've gotta say what I wanna say for a long, long, long time.

It's bad enough that Singapore has barely anything interesting to blow your time own, apart from the so called "clubbers" who advocate the notion of "having fun" and "chilling out", in addition to a load of "grinding about" I reckon.

And then you come home in an attempt to blow even more time on the Internet, hoping you'd find some good blogs to read but no. Sorry girlfriend, you only see idiots who think they're so mysterious, so emo and cool. A point in case would be:

"I have no way of entering your heart without breaking it"
Why'd you have to be so cruel?

Okay, wow.
You're so emo I feel like crying, my goosebumps are raising up. Wow (for the 2nd time, if that makes you happy.) What particularly annoys me is the dumb ass italics which have been severely, and severely misused. What the fuck are you trying to do man. Are you dumb or are you dumb?

Really, get a bloody life. L-I-F-E. I mean you people are definitely not some kinda Modernist writer who attempts to "plunge" your reader into an unfamiliar world, and in the process strike up some form of curiosity in your readers, or intended audience (God knows which moron of your intelligence threshold reads your bull though). And then they go through the process of searching for some dumbass facts about you that revolve around those pathetic issues of girl-troubles, cherry parties and what not, and realising: "Wow... this fellow is soooooooo deep. Such a tough nut to crack."

Don't bull lah, okay.

You idiots are so hollow that no sound reveberates within you.

Here's a quote for all of you (idiots and non-idiots):

An unexamined life is not worth living for.

Today I looked up into the sky again

2006-05-27T06:58:00.000+08:00

So far, so close
the weeping hand;
the crying God of man.

And I reminisced of the past, of fleeting memories, dreams and desires. Like mists of a floating rainbow, touching the skin of your head so lightly, then escaping before you could gasp in astonishment. The beauty of today drips like honey down an oat tree in snippets; a little, but enough.

And as we savour the sweetness, the paradox jerks our soul like a cork flicked out a bottle.

It flows like swifting blood, stabbing within the depths of your conscience, and provokes the likelihood of Gnostic myths; searching within the crumps of morality left in that pathetic divine spark of yours to no avail. Only to be greeted by the dark con of man... The dark con of man...

Gilead

2006-05-25T10:21:00.000+08:00

I've been hearing the voice of my Literature teacher echo through my head for a week or so:

Edmund's philosophy is so appealing... It's so dark.

Watching Lordi performing live, albeit a horrid performance, was extremely intriguing. And that in a way, provoked some thought in me. I have finally come to a conclusion, that Man is naturally attracted to the Dark side simply based on 2 counts:
1)It's innate for Man know what's right or wrong, or what we normally call insinctive moral. (And this is the one thing that the Church enjoys exploiting to their advantage, but thou shall not probe further.)
2)It's the circumstance of Man, that we live in the Light far more than we do in the Dark.

Firstly, let me address the 1st count.

Biologically speaking, when one lies or even conjures the thought of a pre-determined "bad deed", one feels nervous, panicky due to the production of a certain hormone I do not nor care to know. All of this leads an erratic behaviour in blood pressure, heart beats and what not, which can easily be detected by a polygraph, or what people normally call the Lie Detector.

I say 'pre-determined' because for some reason or another, human beings are empowered with the ability to simply know something is wrong or not. Even grey areas have a pre-determined notion, and this can be evidenced by impulse, or the act of it. And this is the power of instinct, so fascinating that in my course of thought, I have not only grown closer to God, but also learnt to believe in His existence.

So if something is pre-determined to be wrong (dark), and we eschew our natural inertia to commit the act or crime. And in this case, we get those symptoms. There is no argument about your heart beating 3 times faster normal in an interrogation room, but hey, think about the prospect of you not being caught. You actually get a fucking kick out of the adrenaline rush. And this is addictive, at least for me. So addictive that I've grew to love going against my moral imperatives, but not at the expense of hurting others. There's a limit to everything, you know.

Okay, now for the second count, which is much more interesting.

If someone is going to tell me at this very second that they sleep in the day and are nocturnal beings and thus lives in the Dark, then it might be too narrow a definition to utilise in judging my claim. We live in the Light, not only physically, but also within.

Gnostic myths tell us of Man being intrinsically evil. But in a way or another, I beg to differ because I pay more attention to the divine spark that's within everyone, that the divine spark propels one to act more than than the darkness surrounding it. In a sense it offsets the darkness within us. I do not disagree that Man is intrinsically evil (as well as our creator), but I do believe that the we deny our foundation, because the light is simply the right thing to do, as our instincts say so (previously established already).

And because this simple denial of darkness is so easily done, it goes to show that it's just as easy to submit to this darkness and let your very evil essence consume you. Perhaps, that is why, Adam fell to the serpent after living in the Light for too long. I do not bloody agree that the serpent is evil, devilish or bad, as advocated by the Church so often.

Firstly, I think the serpent could arguably be labelled as our creator. Without his temptation, Adam would probably still be enjoying Eve's companion now. Knowledge is beauty, you know. Secondly, I personally feel that the serpent is a form respite from the monotony of life. Because now, we have 2 extreme polarities to play around with. And I choose to probe grey areas all the time, because I enjoy questioning and questioning, rather than submitting to the so called pre-established notions advocated by doctrines.

Doctrines are afterall, written by Man, not God. I think Prophets simply have no place in this argument, because they to me, are flukes. But they must have possessed the charisma ten times that of Geroge Bush to be able to wield the iron hand of their religion so swiftly. To the extent that repercussions are still felt today.

I say swiftly because I feel the cuts and bruises of wars fought in the name of religion; Crusades. That's the problem of the human condition you see. I am so horried at the sight of congregations gathering, fervently listening to the Pastor preaching the Bible in his version, specifically extracting details like fragments of a beautifully crafted mosiac and explaining to people.

Since when has a book been written for someone, a man, to read in fragments or isolation without regard for context? Literature has certainly prohibited that, much less a Holy Book, right?

The Republic of Gilead knows no bounds.
Gilead is Within You.

Summon your divine spark now, my friend.

A feeble attempt

2006-05-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

"Memories are only
moments in eons.
Where then do we stand
amidst this mighty hand of symmetry?"

More here.

Why PAP always wins

2006-05-06T12:52:00.000+08:00

I'm proud to say that I've been most active during the election campaign period this year. And as Priscilla puts it so simply yet nicely: "What an experience."

Yes, what an experience. And today Singapore will decide whether or not PAP retains its strong mandate. Like duh, they will. I have learnt so much during the rallies that my friends and I have devotedly kept up with.

Firstly, politics in Singapore is highly simplistic and down to earth. All that hype about some in-depth philosophical, abstract, thought-provoking speech was a fluke. The rallies were highly pragmatic and simplistic. Every single candidate spoke in an active voice (salute to those who had such consiousness) or broken English. And by that I'm referring to the opposition candidates. I did not attend a single PAP rally. The issues were highly repetitive; unemployment, upgrading, increasing costs of living, lifts etc. I was kind of shock when I heard these issues. To me, there's no substance in such issues. They're so damned superficial and simplistic, but yet, bulk of the Singaporeans who attended these rallies were so drawn into such speeches.

The tension of the groups varied greatly. Surprisingly, albeit the massive gargantuan crowd in the rallies of Worker's Party, the crowd was especially civilised (at least for Ang Mo Kio) and not the hardliners I saw at Potong Pasir. It isn't hard to decipher why Chiam has retained his seat for 22 years consecutively; the people in Potong Pasir are extremely upset and grieved. They are brave, courageous, and speak out without any single sign of hesitation. The grievances were heard loud and clear, and I was extremely moved by the problems they were facing. One imemediately finds the connecting click that bonds the simplistic speeches of unemployment and whatnot to these people. Reason is simple; these are the things that majority of them want to hear. Unfortunately, I am but the minority. Nevermind that.

Second thing that caught my attention was once again the content of the speeches. Some outstanding candidates were especially apt at bringing out the fire in the crowds. They raised provoking questions, and questioned the promises made by PAP. Yes, criticisms were heard. But at the end of the day, the opposition has failed to do the very thing that PAP is best at doing - That is coming up with alternative solutions that are BETTER than that of those that they are crisiticising. This is once again, the bloody fucking poison in Singaporeans, EVEN in opposition.

You know, all we know how to do is to complain and complain all day. And at the end of it all, we either don't do anything about it, or for the case of opposition, do something about it but the level of action just stops there; at DOING SOMETHING. Well, what is 'something' to you? Apparently, from what I see, 'doing something' to them is merely criticising. Yes, you've come up with SOME alternatives. But to me, the alternatives range from giving money to the people, or providing them with abalone porridge, more progressive packages, or even minimum wage. Such policies, or should I say cheap-tricks, are absurd. Such stupid tactics only play up the feelings of Singaporeans, but at the end of the day, while you're in the toilet shitting out all your abalone and shark's fin, you realise these policies never work. Remember, you're all manure, geddit.

Before you call me a fervent supporter of PAP or the government, I'd say shut up and think about it. Firstly, if you have not been to any rallies, you don't deserve to speak at all. Secondly, if you have been to the rallies, but am just opposing for the sake of opposing (like many opposition candidates are doing), then you still don't deserve to speak at all. I acknowledge that the PAP has it's shortcomings, but think about it. Can any opposition party challenge up to the PAP at status quo? Even if we give them control of the parliament or government, I don't think anyone of them can run it well, maybe, with the exception of Worker's Party.

I'm particularly disgusted by candidates who cannot converse well in English. This directly links to the opposition candidates pathetic qualifications. Most are in the business world, as opposed to lawyers, doctors from the PAP. This is one area the Worker's Party trascends in. Looking at James Gomez's track record, it's a no wonder why he's such a threat. When I was at the Macpherson rally by SDA sometime earlier this week. Honestly, Sin Kek Tong was pathetic. Nevermind the lame jokes about 'MADpherson', his whole package just appears to me as somebody who's very gung-ho and practically zero charisma. I almost fell asleep standing. To me, he has no substance. But than opponents of this viewpoint would say that, even if you have somebody who can speak very well, he/she may not be very competent. I'm like hello? If you can't even speak well, you won't garner the support of people and thus win a single seat, much less even get a CHANCE to show the people that you are capable. The PAP has thrashed the opposition in this aspect. The candidaes are MULTI-LINGUEL my god... Malay, Mandarin, English, Hokkien by the same person, and FLUENTLY mind you. The message is clear - You MUST speak well to be a successful politician. Else, get the fuck off and run your businesses.

Third observation - It appears to me that most, or maybe all the candidates are married and have children. Haha, I'd leave you to decide what that means.

All in all, despite my very stinging comments about the opposition. I applaud the opposition for the courage they not only possess, but able to bring out in probing grey areas of Singapore politics. I don't think there's anything more than the burning desire to server the people that these people have in mind. You know, such are the people we need in CJC Student Council. We don't need super hot or popular idiots who go into the council and make a fool of themselves during Teacher's Day celebrations or whatnot. We need people who really want to serve the students, geddit? However, the opposition has to have more conCrete alternatives. Maybe then we'll see a shift. But from the way things are progressing, doubt it'll happen.

A Lesson Learnt

2006-05-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

"Conrad is trying to show us how insignificant Man is in this world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You're nothing you know..." said Mrs Sng.

And in my heart I was thinking, "We are all such stuff as manure is made on."

When I heard this for the first time in my life, my perception of the modernist movement that it was trying to portray to us the bleakness, the emptiness of life. And most of all, the insigicance of Man in this world. At that minute, I perceived it to be a calling for me to give up all hope. I renounced all my desires for worldly riches, and lost the drive to strive for greater success admist ths cesspool we live in.

I told myself, "The pusuit for material wealth will only lead to emptiness. For once the great desire is fufilled, you are left with nothing but a heap of worthless paper that you once thought would grant you the millions you've dreamt of."

And with that, I thought I would remain just somebody, like anybody else. Maybe a little different from the ordinary masses. Then I'll do whatever I like, and not bother so much about the worldly riches, do what I love doing, like Philosophy and whatnot. Boy, I was naive.

But today, my life changed when Mrs Sng said the next few words.

"Conrad is trying to show us how insignificant Man is in this world. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You're nothing you know..." (as mentioned before)

"Which is why you should try to be someome significant, someone different."

She punctuated her words with so much conviction. And throughout what others perceive as incessant nagging, there was a young adult in the process of changing his life. I know Mrs Sng doesn't really think well of me, especially in terms of conduct and attitude. But somehow or another, her words have a profound impact on me. It could be my nonchalent personality that fails to convince her of my most sincere words. But nevertheless, I've never forgotten the encouragements and advices she gave me.

Like once I just lazily said in class that I'm thinking of quitting school. Then she looked at me through that memorable glasses of hers, and said to me: "Why do you want to quit school? You'll do well. You're intelligent."

Again, another turning point in life. These fine words of wisdom always come to me at my somewhat lower points in life, where I'm feeling very lost and discouraged by my academic pursuits. To the point that somehow I feel, my life is truly blessed. That Mrs Sng was God-sent. I find it hard to believe that this is the work of conincidences, and that somehow, albeit all the blasphemy and sin in me, some omnipotent being up there is watching over me. And I thank you for that, sincerely.

But at times, I really doubt the sincerity of the words: Ivan is an intelligent boy. Because many many occasions, I find myself just merely mediocre, or maybe above average. And that only puts me below average in the national level, and pathetic level in the international level. It's not me to think this way, but sometimes I just can't help it. We can't help what life has done to us, can we?

I'd like to conclude this entry with the most sincere word of Thanks to Mrs Sng. Despite the fact that this will probably remain one of the silent word of thanks in the chapter of my life, I still hope that one day, she will believe my words. Because many times, I mean much much more... Thank you, for being the great teacher and educator that you are. You've truly earned my full respect.

And may I end with yet another memorable quote from Mrs Sng.

"There is nothing wrong being a nerd, or someone with great ambition."

And that's what I'm going to possess now: Ambition.

Watch out world! =)

New beginning; New end

2006-04-30T10:06:00.000+08:00

Every new beginning is a product of the past, an essence for the future. What does the future entail? It just but the route towards an end, probably an expectation (heaven, hell etc), something that terminates human existence.

But hey wait, what's with all this philosophy talk when it's SONIA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY?!?!
And sooo the long waited day has come, the day where my baby finally finds herself one step closer towards adulthood; she finds herself empowered with the ability to purchase products that burns her liver, stains her lungs. Whatever the hell that is, it's a day's that special, something that probably that most people would yearn to have it really special, but always end up having it the other way round. But rest assure, I'll try to make it different for you! =)

To Sonia:
You know I still chuckle at the thought of you, of who we got together, about the kind of stuff we used to do in school. What was especially amusing were all those stupid things we said, did, and planning to do. I never saw myself being in a relationship with you the minute I set eyes on you. It wasn't love at first sight, but somehow at that instant something inside me told me that this girl was special. But I just pushed the thought aside and went on being arrogant, anti-social and definitely stupid in the process. Well, such a thin facade, a fine veneer could not help but peel and fall when I got closer to you.

I had this whole need to be around you all the time. I let loose of all my channels, of all my mediums of communication, just because I thought you might probably make use of one of them to talk to me, someday. And so I found myself turning off silent mode on my handphone nightly (still is doing so), signing into MSN for eons when the reality of it was that I hardly touched the computer during my course of time at home, SMS-ing you at times which I thought you would be able to see them at that very instant, and hopefully reply me. Hearing your voice, seeing you online, reading your SMSes were somewhat different. Maybe I was biased, but that was still the way I felt, and feel right now.

The above actions and feelings were but the product of this growing love I held for you, they were not the reason why I fell for you. Till date, I cannot truly unveil this paradox. I fail to find a chief reason why I love you, but as the clock ticks and time passes by, as experience has told me, I know that I want to be with you forever. That I find it difficult and practically impossible to function without you by my side. A subtle yet significant difference lies between 'missing you', and 'needing you'. It's not really alright if I don't see you for a day, or a few days. But it definitely is an issue when I know that I won't be seeing you again. Thus far, I hope that I've done decently well enough to make you stay by my side. Because truth to be told, I love you, I love you, I love you.

And then the story goes on and on, but it must stop, for chapters start and end. And here's a new chapter in this book of ours, one that is penned not by ink, but by the very heart and soul, of love and togetherness. And so this chapter begins now, with a little girl growing up to becoming an older one (note: not woman yet haha). And this older boy (birthday already passed =D) holding her hands, walking down some journey of sorts. For all that see us, it is but a journey. For all that sees us inside, it is not but a journey. It is more than that. It tells of the obstacles that both have to face, together. And you know how he will never leave the girl alone, for if he continues travelling alone, the journey is meaningless. You might as well die!, as quoted.

Albeit all of the long-winded talk, I'd like to really hope for the best for my baby. I understand that school has taken quite a toll on her, and I hope she excels really. Because that same part of me that told me that this girl was speical is telling me that she can do it. And I know she can, so yup, God bless (oh yes my denouncement is always made contradictory when you come into picture). I hope you'll remain happy always with me =) As for now, enjoy this very special day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONIA, I LOVE YOU!

We are the Champions?

2006-04-16T11:11:00.000+08:00

I have a friend whom most would consider to be the lower spectrum of the handsome-line. I mean honestly, seriously not good looking at all. If you have issues imagining that, try picturing somebody who looks worse than I am. Yup you got it. And he's always been very quiet, and kept most things to himself. It was and still is very difficult to get him to open up himself, and most just labeled him as an introvert. Most of the time, he was the butt of most of the jokes in the class, and I am guilty for some of them. But that doesn't matter, and isn't the point.

But I gave careful thought about this labeling, and came to a conclusion - That he isn't exactly an introvert. He is a clear product of his circumstances. The question I'm posing here is, would he be somebody else if he looked way better than he currently is? Would he still have so little self-esteem and confidence? Would he then be just as nice to others as he is now? I believe nobody can give me an absolute answer, and neither can I ever answer this. But I do have enough reason to believe that the possibility of him being a snob (in the circumstances of him being extremely dashing), is pretty high. Then again I question the genuinity in the 'nice-ness' of a person - Could most, or even every nice person be the way he or she is because of his or her circumstances?

Why am I talking like that? Reason being, I've seen too many hypocrites in the recent years of my life, especially good looking ones. If there's anything that I learnt which made a huge impact on my life, it has got to be that the prettiest people are usually the ugliest people inside. That these people are aware of their good looks, and play it up to their advantage. In the process, they become ignorant of the less “fortunate”, the less handsome, and the less pretty people. And in the face of other good looking ones, they backstab, bitch, compete in every possible method available on planet earth, and become real bitches, discarding whatever humanity that’s left in them. What has the world come to?

Today, not only is our society degrading to one that has no greater significance of a piece of manure. What has the New World Order done to mankind? I say: Nothing But Harm. From Europe to South Africa to Far East to South East Asia, that little bit of humanity left in us is devoured by the very system we adore so much - Capitalism. Remember people, that every second of your luxury is achieved at the expense of others. I believe Buddha would change his Philosophy if he saw the world today. It has changed so dramatically, that religious of philosophical doctrines of the past find it hard to fit into this whole sick puke-inducing jig-saw puzzle. The root of suffering is not desire, but human beings themselves. We are not unhappy because we yearn for more and more, but because of the circumstances that we have created for ourselves, and landed ourselves in. Humanity is hopeless, and we can jolly well sit back and watch the world crumble at our feet. When the USA falls, China or another global superpower will undertake the task of reshaping the world via other exploitative means. Communism has failed, and so new systems, new ideologies that stem from capitalism itself shall reign supreme in the future to come.

God, if you exist, I believe your wrath has been incurred. And it doesn't help that the blessed wisdom you have lent us mankind with has been turned against you. I think I'm a classic case - Of how I spread blasphemy daily, and question you very existence. Even as I marvel at the sights of the night sky, read about the amazing functions of our body, I find it hard to believe that it is not the work of a divine hand. But that doesn't stop me from probing into grey areas, into the quest for greater knowledge of your existence. And till then, I am but a sinner, someone who shall be cast into hell unless I redeem my sins with the very little years left for me. But as always, if I ever meet God in heaven, and should I ever be cast to hell for eternity, my only wish is to sit down and have a nice chat with you. So that I have my choice of freedom, before I suffer and scream like a harlot blast'd a new infant’s tears.

Rule of the Thirds

2006-04-10T17:28:00.000+08:00

My first successful shot with the Holga! Took me 2 rolls to get it working... Thought it looked pretty decent for a first shot.

Holga CFN Double Exposure

Cameras I wanna buy!

Lomo LCA

Smena 8M

Lomo Fisheye

Last and definitely least...

Nikon D70

I miss my baby so much... It's really trying. No hugs, no kisses, no voice. No nothing. Gah... Needa pull myself together. But thankfully she called me last night. So happy she called, really was, and still am. Oh yes baby, good news for you! I won the BEST SPEAKER award (along with Kerri) for today's debate. Cheers!

A part of me died

2006-04-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

And so Sonia left for Hong Kong this morning, and I was really glad I woke up to sent her off. It wasn't really difficult waking up at 3.30am this morning, not because I've been staying up till timings as such for the past few days, but because I really couldn't take my mind off her.

I never knew I'd miss her this much, and right now I'm feeling pretty empty. I miss her voic, I miss her touch, I miss talking to her over the phone, I miss having dinners with her.

She hasn't called me yet. And all I can do is that all went well and she's having fun there now. Please please give me a ring soon!

You have always been there.

2006-04-08T07:24:00.000+08:00

'Hypocrisy is the ecclesiastical.' - Tartuffe (1664), Molière.

Ahhh finally, someone who shares my sentiments.

Works

2006-04-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

$1350 more to go.

Word.

For a moment...

2006-04-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.

For a moment, the strings near my heart were tugged, in a somewhat sad way.

So much misery, sadness, in just 30 words.

Beautifully crafted.

It's all in the bag

2006-03-31T05:18:00.000+08:00

4 days since my birthday passed, nothing spectacular happened as usual. Maybe it did, in another way. No crazy clubbing, no cool parties, no countless presents. Welcome to my life.

I came to terms with the fact that I'm not exactly the main source of joy in your life, though subconsciously I always knew that. It pains me more to know that that source comes from a mother-fucker I scorn so much. Don't try to comfort me, because you know that's only deceiving yourself. Denial ain't the only river in Egpyt.

All my bloody girlfriends just had to be somebody. Model, Singer, Dancer. Seriously what the fuck is going on?!?!?!?! I'm just a NORMAL guy, not like all of you extraordinary people. SO PLEASE, FUCKING GIVE ME A BREAK. All that hurt, all that pain, all that tears. What for? Just so that you people can continue doing what you guys love doing most, without any constructive consideration for the boring ol' Ivan. I've gave up so many, and never looked back a single bit. Sometimes, you don't even know what I've lost along the way, but I don't see them like losing posessions, but rather, as sacrifices I never looked back. SO WHAT if you sacrifice something or claim to do so? What's the point of doing so when you're going to return to square one. What's the point of it when at the end of the day, you're just gonna make me feel like it's all in the bag, that I simply cannot help it but accept things.

I try hard to embrace my life, indulge in all the sadness (mainly), joy (limited), neutrality, in hope of coming out stronger. I've trascended this once, but yet it still hurts so fucking damn much. I just feel like taking a knife and stabbing my chest till I bleed, and die. And really, being conscious is just one of the most terrible thing to happen to Mankind. I have to put on a facade, and force my chief concerns into the back of my fucking head, just so I can lead my life normally. Screw this status quo, I feel so terrible now I wished I could intoxicate and drown myself, and feeling even more terrible than I already am. Then I'll puke the shit out of everything in me, and feel great, fantastic.

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Wishlist - The Obsessions

2006-03-21T21:13:00.000+08:00

I've got many obsessions, apart from my greatest one (Sonia) of course.

So thou has decided to list them all out, in a bid to fatasize and have a wet dream in consciousness =D

1) Photography
I've been caught and hooked in this whole realm of photography. I really am obsessed with it now. Tired of just ooohh-ing and waaaah-ing in front of my computer when I see good photography, I've decided to exit this fucking cesspool and get a camera of my own! Woot! And my first one shall be a Lomo + Fisheye lens wahahahahhahaha!!! I was told I could find them in Bras Basah at decent prices, and I shall do just that after a few more tutoring sessions with my cousin (I make $30 in 2 hrs for coaching him). Easy cash.

2) Write well
Entering CJC Arts just made me realise how inferior I am in terms of my command of language. Honestly, I'm far far behind many people in the cohort. Maybe in consolation, I'm the slightly above average. With constant Cs for my General Paper, other than the occasional Bs, I've resigned to the fact that I really do suck in my language, despite being a History and Literature student. It's really sad, I know. I feel that way myself as well. Which is why I want to do something about it. And I shall read like a mad fuck after my As. Particularly Philosophy (Theology), as expected.

3) Get a fucking band for good
For Pete's sake Ivan, when the fuck are you going to get going on this? I don't know really, but trust me, as much as you trust my MSN nickname - The neverending desire to perform. I don't care if you say I crave for attention or whateverthefuck, I just want to be in a band, and be good enough to deliver mind-blowing gigs around Singapore. Satisfying enough. Or maybe come up with our own EP as well hehe.

So there you go, here are my listed obsessions at the moment.

Remember remember, the beauty of desire.
But sugar, you're still the #1.

The Perfect Torture Tool

2006-03-19T22:29:00.000+08:00

It's only perfect because I think so. Because I wrote so. Because it is possibly so.

I've been wondering for weeks, what would actually happen if one day, I discover myself living in a make-up world of my own. That the days I've been living all these while were merely "days", or hallucinations. That someone greater than a physical being is in control of my thoughts, emotions, actions, and my perceived "reality". Or on a more exaggerated scale, that I've been captured by some evil scientist who's using me as a protocol for his psychological experiments.

How would you feel if it really happened to you? That at the click of a button, or the snap of the finger, the person in control can just send your world crashing down. In a matter of seconds mind you. So what's the key point here? Imagine the utility of such an invention as a torture tool. How much fear it can instill in the victim, how crazy the victim can become.

This just links to the notion that most of the times, crazy people, or maybe say people who aren't psychologically sane, seriously, I mean seriously, have an issue with seeing a shrink. I mean to me, its no big deal. But to them, it seems like it's more than just a deal. Like seeing a shrink would mean the demise of their very existence. But again if you're crazy, in embroiled in this whole psychological torture and you won't really give more than half a damn to your existence. So then again, what's the key point here then? Well basically, my personal conclusion lies in 'Knowledge'. Knowledge that you're crazy. That's what scares then most. That's what scares me most too. And linking back to the previous discussion of the perfect torture tool, the key point is Knowledge of the fact that you're not in control. That somebody else is in control. That all these while, you've been living in vain. All days you've passed, all the things you've done, all the chicks you've shagged, all the girlfriends you've dumped. All are but illusionary.

Hey, maybe that's reality, you know. I mean for all you know, the big one up there is playing puppeteer when we're asleep, when we're most vulnerable, when we're not in control...

I've been careless.

2006-03-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

Tonight I saw my girl in her most vulnerable, miserable, fragile state. It brought me to my complete senses, for I know that all these while I've been a little careless with a soft girl. One who has always never failed to cheer up my day, yet always failing to cheer up her own. In saying this, I'm not trying to scare you away or make you retreat into your own shell. Rather, my every word here is my every soul, written with empathy and love for you. For I am affirmed, more than ever, to be even more careful with you, to be always there for you, to never ever hurt you. Not even a single bit.

Because all you ever wanted, was a little more love. If all shall fall, I must be the last one standing among the rubble of your life, awaiting you with open arms, with open heart, with open love for you.

Cause sugar, I really love you so so much.

And for all my past mistakes and future ones to come, please forgive me.

Pissed

2006-03-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

***Kindly click on the images for an enlarged, clearer, visible size. Thank You.

Well, I'm getting fucking annoyed with the CIA. Was reading up on the Khmer Rouge and came across some factual bullshit. I hope USA gets this point drilled into their head - Every empire has a rise and a fall. And yours is coming soon.

But anyhow, this provided much comic relief. Straight, direct from Wikipedia (my favourite website).

Living On A Prayer

2006-03-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

Significant differences arise between choices - Before and After.

If choices were strategically made before a forthcoming incident, choices made after would be much easier. Vice versa. But what's the big deal about it then? Because choices made before are usually easier to execute. Yet, so many people fail to do so. And there can only be a limited number of reasons to this strange, ironic situation:
1)You just can't be bothered.
2)You seem to enjoy/don't mind what's forthcoming.
3)You're really oblivious.

Of which I think the third is especially inconceivable, since there is always someone there constantly reminding you of what's forthcoming.

Even more significant differences arise between acknowledging, and thinking you have acknowledged a fact. Because thinking you have acknowledged a fact only proves to show that you're taking somebody for granted. That the person's existence makes not much of a difference to you, nor your life, nor your decisions. That the person is just blabbering nonsense, especially when he, in actual fact, isn't.

But then again, things happen for a reason, and the reason is me. If there wasn't me, there wouldn't even be somebody to be taken granted off to begin with. If I was only slightly more serious about advocating my thoughts. Then maybe, people might take me slightly more seriously, and I would feel alot less taken granted of. Cause : Effect.

But that's only a maybe. Because at the end of the day, it's ultimately up to YOU. Not fate, not your stupid prayers. Like God's gonna help you.

Transcendence

2006-03-15T07:13:00.000+08:00

Photo courtesy of tangerinecoach

"They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream."
-Dowson

A Walk To Remember

2006-03-14T10:58:00.000+08:00

After my run the day before yesterday, I walked down the park towards home. It was pretty beautiful at first sight, seeing how the foliage and nature has contributed to this word called Beauty. Being a fervent believer in fresh air, I naturally enjoyed myself, despite being pretty light-headed after the dreadful run. Dreadful, but necessary.

After brief seconds into enjoying my walk back, I was struck by a somewhat rude shock. Something seemed to hit me like right inside my chest, and from that minute onwards, everything I saw seemed to be different. Different, but real.

It was frightening how I began to see everything around me as dead objects, especially the leaves on the floor and trees that loomed around me. I saw them as dead objects, and the ominous feeling was overwhelming I felt like running away at that moment, but curiousity got the better of me. I walked on, deep in thought, and felt the deathness creep into me. I couldn't say no, because I was already damned tired, and I just submitted to it without a fight. Fear, but truth.

I knew it was just but the hypersensitive side of me, but the moment was truly memorable I would say. I was wondering to myself how this was actually no different from a war scene, filled with death bodies, crying people. To me, the leaves were no more than dead leaves, and trees were drying up and crinkling to a point they seemed to be hanging down, asking me for help. Loom, but reality.

Conjuring up a pool of emotions

2006-03-12T11:06:00.000+08:00

As I grew older, I realised my inability to remain adaptable with this life. Welcome to the modernist world, where people alike are skeptical, cynical, selfish, pessimistic. What's more? I hate the world more and more as each passing day delivers cruel knowledge of this reality.

I remember vividly how I was talking to my cousins while tutoring them yesterday, that the world is not a beautiful place, not the one that all those hippies make out to be. I got pretty carried away, highlighting to 14-year old kids about uncool nature of this event called WAR, along with the rotteness and misery it brings about. Since young, I was fascinated with WAR. My bookshelves were filled with Encyclopedias about WAR, and DO YOU KNOW? books about WAR. I was especially intrigued by WAR WORLD TWO, specifically the Japanese Occupation. I immersed myself in them, partly because of the curiosity, but mainly because of the kind of pictures I get while reading those books. Pictures in black and white, pictures of women crying, pictures of Kempetais beheading bypassers seem to appeal to me, in an awkward way. I was afraid, but I kept reading on and on. To the point I thought I was saddistic. It still is frightening now, how my childhood memories reappear both in my consciousness and my unconsciousness a.k.a sleeping. I have images of people torturing others, execution and whatnot, all related to the Japanese Occupation. I've never quite talked to anybody about these pictures, but sometimes these can be frightening. But these aren't the most frightening nightmares I've had. The worst ones were the shortest ones, ones of me falling down a flight of stairs. And kabooom! I would wake up in cold sweat (picture drama serials).

I also absolutely scorn the hedonistic way of living, just as I hate convenient choruses, convenient plot development, convenient endings. Watching 'Date Movie' last night just reaffirmed my opinions. I really thought the movie was bad. It wasn't very funny to begin with, which is really a cause for concern mainly cause humour can, and at most times, pretty successfully make up for the conveniences. It's trying attempting to seek answers to this world. Answers that nobody can answer me, answers that I try to conjure up in my mind through constant questioning, but only to end up with a whirlpool of emotions, mixed emotions, mainly painful, pessimistic ones. Sometimes I do enjoy the feeling of pain, of sorry, especially when I listen to good music (well, good in my opinion anyway). I like songs that make me cry, like Iris, like Best of You. They seem to liberate me from this knot thats binding me to this world, making me feel alive. What could be better, than feeling truly alive in this world.

That is why I want to be a musician. But a word exists in my dictionary that doesn't for most, which is FEAR. I'm afraid that my perceptions of myself are merely exaggerated by my dreams and desires. That I'm not really that good in reality, and all of these prohibit myself from stepping out of the Circle of Convenience to do what I really love to do.

I'd love to believe in myself, but sometimes its hard, especially when the world's so screwed.

I've had about enough.

2006-03-07T21:58:00.001+08:00

I know I'm gonna sin like crazy for saying this, but at times I'm really sick and tired of living with my parents. They're orthodox people who do not understand their children at all, in case they don't realise it. I think even my grandparents understand me more than they do.

Not only do they see themselves as people who deliver the gospel truth (although they make alot of sense at most times and mean the best), they think whatever they are doing is right, and what they deem as wrong will be wrong. It's fucking annoying how they always go on and on about how they have to work and have no time for all other nonsense. Well, here's my 2 cents. I see the importance of earning money for the family, but hell, go ahead and do whatever you want and let me do whatever I want with my life. Since you can't provide me with so many things that exit the pathetic fucking boundary of monetary support, leave me fucking alone. If you have enough sense to say I'm already 18, I don't see how you don't have the ability to see the fact that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Even till today, I choose my own schools, mould my own path, WITHOUT consulting you people. I can talk about nothing with you guys, except superficial mundane stuff.

So don't give me the shit and big hoo-haa when you spot a condom box in my room. And truth to be told, those were intended as VALENTINE DAY GIFTS for my classmates and schoolmates. And so what if I use them? Can the things that have been done become undone? No they can't, so just STFU. Your conservative minds never allowed your children any proper social education, so we learn it our way, with our friends. And if you find it hard to trust me with simple responsibilities, I find it really hard to become more than just the stationary mother/father-son relationship, where I see you for no more than 30mins in 24hours of my life everyday. Not that I want to see you guys, I'm pretty happier that way as well, honestly. I'm really happy the way I am, and I can't wait till I make my first penny, and move out of this god-damned place. All the beauty of the home is but illusionary, because beneath it lies a dysfunctional family, where the heads of the home aren't doing what they should, but rather, imposing their restrictions and traditions upon children who are half a century younger they are.

YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR SON, believe it or not. Come to terms with that fact, before you even start feeling the slight tinge of anger. Because your anger is but a feeling based on nothing close to UNDERSTANDING your children. What makes you happy, is seeing your children turn out the way you want them to be. Perhaps you might wake up from your senses, when you find out that your daughter has been making out with her boyfriend for the past few months or so on a weekly basis, when you think your angel has been the constant mugger and oh-so-interllectual street/life smart woman. Or perhaps I should start snorting coke, or heroin, or even create my own concotion of synthetic drugs. Because if it helps you both, or maybe potentially more parents realise the grim realities of the pathetic roles you have been playing, it might be worthwhile afterall.

Well here's the catch, in case you haven't quite realised:
Your son lies through his teeth, because telling the truth to you is just as good as bringing forth your heartattack or some shit like that. Your son also has a girlfriend, and has been with her for about half a year or so. What's more, he's also a vulgar boy who disses teachers and classmates alike, and loves music and singing. He also adores many of the "noise" you perceive, and always dreams of being in the biggest thing in Singaporean Rock history. He loves Philosophy, and has lost his faith in God, and His existence, just as how he has lost his faith in his parents, a bloody long time ago. He's been depressed before, and you people did practically zilch to help him overcome it. He had to do it himself, and it didn't help with all your fucked up sarcastic remarks that I will vividly remember. You know I'm thankful you're not English Educated, because this post alone might fill you with so much guilt, the world might stop revolving and for all I know, you might feel SORRY. All these while, whether or not I'm right or wrong, or if I have any grievances inside me, I have to bow my fucking head down and apologise, sincerely. And I meant every one of them, despite feeling so submissive after it. All because I'm a fucking Chinese, and born to ordothox, traditional parents who know nothing about equality, much more sparing more than half a second to listen to their kids and actually consider their input.

Does it even matter if I help you out at your shop? Because I only get dissed, scolded, mocked over and over again, while your fucking daughter is at home with her oh-so-busy university lifestyle. Truth to be told, I was in the exact same shoes as her, in fact busier, and I still put some time aside to help you when father goes to Japan. Well, ever seen your daughter even offering? Yeah of course she does, during crucial, strategic moments. And I had to do this since I was like Primary 4? While your dear youngest son is already Primary 5 has issues bathing on his own, much less help you right? Oh he's so weak, oh he's still young. Well, so when will I EVER be too old, or when have I EVER been too young to help out? Never. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE.

I'm already so sick of living this life, and the things that keep me going are the things that you want to take away from me - My girlfriend, my music, my way of living my life. The things I love so much and dearly. Take them away from me one by one, and I will ensure the punctuation of my life in no time. Frankly, I'm not gonna give half a damn whether or not commiting suicide will ensure me a direct passage to hell. What's hell when you're already living in one on mortal earth? I'm merely existing because I care for the people I love, and have unfinished business. I do not yearn for material comfort or pleasure in the future, I just want to finish my business here, and get the fuck out of this life.

I'm feeling really sinful, but it's been inside me for so long, and I've just been avoiding this problem. I feel so much better now. I'm really tired, and please, for Pete's sake, give me a fucking break. If there's anything you can do, just leave me alone. You know how stupid it is to have a curfew when you're a guy and 18? Holy shit man, not even my girlfriend has one, and I do. I feel like such a wuss, like some protected Mummy's Boy.

Like Serene puts it stingingly, "More like Mummy's slave".

Retreating

2006-02-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

"Life is no more than a cyclical flow of events. We're just pathetic beings on this even more pathetic world re-enacting an achetypal experience..."

To quote is to retreat behind language, a language that has been shaped by other consciousness. It is not the simplistic idea of borrowing ideas, but rather, it is your subconscious mind at work. We all just want to be happy, don't we? And that's what our subconscious mind is best at doing - Keeping us happy.

Once again, my bathing sessions proved more than just serving its primary purpose of keeping myself speck clean and smelling fantastic. I was wondering about the issue of a Selfish God that Christians believe in. Or should I say, submit to. As all might know how much I tend to mock over-religious people who preach about the glory of God and what not, and I don't do that based on plain stupidity. I think submitting to something without much conscious thought is stupidity, so I choose the other way round, the route which might potentially lead me to Hell. But that isn't a fearful thought, because going against your own beliefs is what scares me most. Not being yourself, not having the free will to think and believe what you wish to is a terrible feeling. At times, I really wished I was dead. I want to die, and experience, and trascend to the other realm. I want to know what's awaiting me at the other side. I'm just afraid of the method of death, because I absolutely do not enjoy slow painful deaths. What I do hope is that, beneath that coffin or amidst the ashes of mine, I would be fully punctuate with accomplishment of great things that carry my name, and that it would truly be an End. How nice, how beautiful.

Back to the issue anyhow - I was thinking about how the people in say, third-world countries or primitive environments, who do not have proper, formal access to even the knowledge of Christianity. I mean frankly, don't think everybody knows about Jesus and the Bible, I personally beg to differ. Would they too be subjugated and make subservient too? Would they too incur the wrath of God and be banished to Hell forever? Well if that's the case, I don't know what the hell is wrong with all these religious doctrines. Because not only is such a conclusion inhumane, it is totally unparrallelled to all the glory and beauty of religion. I'm becoming increasing skeptical about religion honestly.

But what if God really is that way? And perhaps He might have made his presence known to these backward people in a way or another? Well then, I guess we're all just screwed. And hence I quote again:

"God is dead: of His pity for man hath God died."

We are all such stuff as manure is made on.

You and I: We're just SHIT.

4 mins.

2006-02-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

Click for expanded size

4 mins was all it took for a Medal to fly away.

WHAT A WEEK!!!!!!

2006-02-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

Just came back from FRANZ FERDINAND LIVE IN SINGAPORE CONCERT!!!

FUCKING ROCKED MY BRAINS, BALLS AND WHAT NOT!!!

It was my Valentine's Day gift from my baby. How appropriate. It's hands down, HANDS DOWN the best V-Day gift EVER. My goodness, I was so excited when I found out about her little 'surprise', which was unfortunately uncovered by the sinister but cunning me. Although she was really not exactly a huge fan of the band, she still bought a ticket for herself (free standing mind you = most expensive), as well as me =) But I sure hoped she enjoyed herself, she was dancing pretty well and rocking hard to the music.

I only had issues with the amplifiers, and the band themself also apologised for it. It was way too sharp for my ears, and didn't sound too pleasant with their Fender guitars. The sharp sound, crisp, thin sound of Fender guitars just didn't go hand in hand with the amps. But vocals were great, drums were great. Just wished I was on the side where the bassist was. I was too excited and ended up squeesing into the wrong side =\ Lead guitarist Nicholas McCarthy's mike was also way too powerful. Damn squeaky >< Honestly the sound wasn't as good. I thought the bands at BayBeats had a much more balanced setup than Franz Ferdinand. But STILL, I danced, jumped, shouted, sang all my heart out. I really felt so at ease after that, I was truly alive then.

And on V-day itself, we went to Tony Roma's. Pretty good place, but we had to queue up to get a seat, cause no reservations were allowed. And that was also the reason why I chose that place. Good ribs, but I think she didn't quite like the food there. Anyhow, it was afterall a pleasant night for both of us, taking our own sweet time to finish the huge portions of food, which was unusually too strong for our liking.

Right now I'm still damn fucking high, but I can't wait to talk to my baby on the phone. Till then.

FRANZ FERDINAND BLOWED MY ASS!!!

Emptiness

2006-02-12T09:12:00.000+08:00

There's nothing more meeting you at the end of the road but emptiness.

You could work you ass off your entire life and make yourself a multi-millionaire, kill someone else whom you deeply hate, but what do you feel but just mere emptiness. When the anger subsides, you feel more empty than ever, and start questioning why you even committed the act.

I hate him. And sometimes I'm not sure if I feel the same towards you or not. Because I once remembered how you clearly told me:

"If another girl comes into your life, I'll take the exit."

Promptly, clearly, straight-faced, right shot towards me. I understood, and was clear that I was never gonna let such a thing happen, and would do all precautions to steer clear of this possible scenario if I don't.

But I'm afraid the roles have reversed now. I can never understand why is it so hard for a girl to say 'No, please fuck off.' You say I'm bad tempered. But at least I've got integrity, at least I don't say something and mean another. At least I've always held my principles high up. At least I don't go in front of another and try to speak the gospel truth about someone else and act as some sort of fucking mediator when the person knows well enough he's merely playing afool with my mind. At least I don't do things like how a real wussy would, talking with his brainless ITE-manifested cells and acting all saint about it. You know whatever he's got to say now, I'm just gonna take it like a road-sweeper's mumbling to himself. If he respected us, he would have never done and said what he did and said. Because deep down inside that cracked heart of mine, I know for sure, that he is no more than a man no worthy of even the minor consideration of rather or not to respect him or not.

End of rant.

For now this is not just emptiness, this is more than just that.

Cold.

2006-02-10T06:02:00.000+08:00

Melancholy.

It's been a long time since I've felt so cold in the mornings.

I woke up this morning, reluctant to open my eyes, reluctant to know that I'm gonna wake up into a whole new world today - One that has changed tremendously, because of us.

I feel so painful inside, yet so empty. I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to enter into a deep slumber and forget everything. I couldn't sleep last night, and your words just kept bombarding my mind over and over and over again. Why is it that nothing seems to work, or does nothing ever lasts?

I feel so empty, because I can only reminisce the past, and hope for a better tomorrow. Last night when I left abruptly, I found myself taking step by step back to your house. There was this strange feeling that drew me to you, and as I took more steps, the more painful I felt. But after I left, I was so puzzled, so lost, not knowing what to expect. I feel so empty because I know maybe even if you are there in the future, it isn't the same anymore. And because I know that all these times, you never came as close to my heart as I thought you did. And not that I know of the truth, it just sucks all the passion inside me, all that love, faith, commitment.

Yes, it isn't the same anymore, because nothing lasts forever,

Even Cold November Rain.

Agony.

Boredom

2006-01-31T10:56:00.000+08:00

How deeply do you actually think before you say - I've got nothing better to do?
Well, here's an analogy that I read about some time ago, that the very thing you're doing now is the result of you having nothing better to do. That is, in other words, the result of an opportunity cost.

Amazing isn't it, how we even find philosophical qualities in economics texts. I attempted reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra and almost died. Every single line is god-damned rhetorical and possesses more than a superficial meaning. It really gives me a headache, because the minute I take anything, any word at face value, I'm so gonna be the #1 fucktard of the century who takes a Philosophy book for what it really isn't. I was just bored you see, and I truly believe that boredom does drive you to do something to kill boredom, and hence you're actually killing boredom because you have nothing better to do, and that the very act of killing boredom that stems from boredom shows that there is no one point of time that you can live your life without killing boredom, and hence you never really are bored ever in your entire measly pathetic life. Not for more than that split second or two which you take to think of something to kill your boredom.

Honestly, how many of us can frankly say we've lived out life well enough to actually consider opening your mouth and letting your voicebox say: "I've lived my life well". Well, not me. Hence, we're all pathetic people living around a life and leading a lifestyle which we think is fufilling, but unknowingly, are living what I call a life that is driven by none other than a meaningless purpose which we do not have much of a conscience for. Because the ideal lifestyle always lacks something, and we replace that ideal with a lifestyle we think is enjoyable, and blind ourselves with the sheer amount of fun and enjoyment and hedonistic bullshit. Unknowingly, we are but the little subject of cruel relativity. We never enjoy enough because we love to compare, that our current lifestyle is nonetheless inferior relative to my ideal lifestyle. If so, how then can you say that someone else is lifeless, has no life, when you yourself are but a homosapien who subjects yourself to brainless relativity?

Ok haha, I was just kidding. Just trying to imitate Friedrich Nietzsche's Zarathustra's form of speech.
I do not actually mean much of what I said.

NOTE: THIS IS A PARODY YOU DUMBASS

New Year's Day

2006-01-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

I'm already done for Day 1 of Chinese New Year, awaiting sms-es or calls from friends to go chill out. Disappointing year indeed, with $263 in Hong Bao collections including that of my parents. EWWWWWWWWW... Had plenty of $4 Hong Baos.

Watched Amityville Horror today. I was wondering around mid-part of the show, why people are so afraid of being referred to psychiatrists for treatment. I mean seriously, I swear to God, I'll find it so cool if I was referred to a shrink. Maybe it's the way my Primary School classmate influenced me. He was this problem child who always had behaviour problems and was the most mischevious you would ever see. To him, it seemed as though rules were indeed meant to be broken. To those who still remember him, he's Jeremy Quek. He told me his shrink was really nice, and that he/she was like his good friend. Cool shit isn't it. Right now, he's this tall handsome chap popular with girls. Heard he's in AJC now.

Anyhow, back to the point. I think it's do friggin cool to see a shrink cause it's like I'm special or something. I must be weird up my skull to see one isn't it? Maybe that makes me a Genius or something.

Cool shit.

Down and up?

2006-01-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

I've fallen ill, thanks to some girl at the clinic whose cough intervals were so frequent that I nearly thought she probably felt it was going out of style in the next five seconds or the other. Whatever the hell, I'm ill, so I was out for training today. Went to help the seniors who were taking charge of the J1s for land training.

One thing that struck me was the fucked up attitude most of them had. But I guess that's just the norm since most are out for a fling or two, wanting to try out some cool and new CCAs in the school. To me, some of the girls appear to be there for a sun-tan. Oh well... But that doesn't really bother me.

Talking to Brendan just makes me miss jamming so much.

I just want to perform and sing for Rockafellaskank, or more if possible.

Happy New Year's Eve!

2005-12-31T17:36:00.000+08:00

Yao marn!!!

It's amazing how the year has zoomed past, as cliche as it sounds. I had a splendid year I must really say. So many changes and new stuff in place. I'm pretty satisfied with this year. It was one of my best few years in my limited 17 in fact. But there are a definitely a few things worth mentioning before I enter the new year:

Sonia
The best girlfriend anybody could get. But she's mine now rawr! She has got to be the best thing that ever happened to me this year. Rather the best thing that has happened to me so far. 85 days together and counting on. We're definitely going on very strong, in case you're curious. But if you have the patience to read till this line you should really be curious about my life so there you go. Celebrating our 4th month together in approximately 168 hours time.

Always being there for me, physically and psychologically. She was always there when I needed her, and that's something I'm extremely thankful and appreciative about. It sounds rather simple, just being there. But sometimes, the simplest things are ones that mean the most. More often than not, they are also the most sincere. Because they come as the most direct form of actions. Easily understood, easily felt.

I sprained my back in about 2 weeks back, and I was really down. It was made alot easier because of my baby. Because she was so supportive and caring for me. She did the best she could ever have done, which was to just be there for me. That's all that matters. Now I'm back in action, and have attended 2 trainings smoothly so far. Many more to come!

The love we share might seem to some as very stable and ongoing. And you know what? That's so true. However, we are mostly in our own world. We love to spend time with each other, and I see her essentially everyday. And I'm not sick of it yet, and I will never be. The reason being is simple, because I LOVE HER!

Sonia is the definition of a perfect balanced girlfriend. Because she truly supports me in whatever I do, and trusts that I have the capability to comprehend whats good and best for me, and at the same time, giving me constructive advice. She's more than just a girlfriend. She's becoming more of my life partner, somebody essential in my life, somebody I cannot do without. Not even for a day.

As for the new year, I hope to maintain the great relationship we share. May our love last the eternal years to come by. I also hope her greatest wishes will be granted, of which one of the most important would be entry to Mass Communications. Thank you for everything, I love you baby.

Canoeing
I'm glad I stuck on with you for so long despite all the disheartening sessions I had earlier this year. The going was tough, but I gritted my teeth and went on and on with it. This holidays, I missed a total of 6 training sessions, 5 of which are due to my injury, 1 of which I do not have much of a valid excuse, except say: MY ASS WAS REALLY PAINFUL =(

This holidays improved my standard tremendously, and I'm glad to see how far I've come by. But I will never ever become complacent and let externalities get the better of me. It was a hell of a tough shit all these while, but I truly enjoyed it. And every time I go back for training, my passion is reignited. Again and again, without fail.

And my dearest team-mates, seeing all of you train so hard every single time makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing, that I'm in the right team. Your everlasting commitment has summoned my greatest respect. People worth mentioning in this category are Christopher, Tim Quek, my partner Don, Andrew, Germaine, Ali, Wu Yuan, Ian and many many more. All of you committed peeps, way to go man, all the way to the medal podium.

As for the new year once again, I really hope to continue with Canoeing all the way without affecting my work. Because Don, you kick ass partner of mine, we're so gonna get a medal in nationals. I ain't gonna wish you or us luck, because I know our hard work will pay off when the time arrives. Definitely. That's what Canoeing is all about. 1% Luck, 99% Hard Work.

Adios all, and aloha to my National Medal.

I'm so gonna get you good.

Rawr.

X'mas 05

2005-12-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

Firstly, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! =)

So Christmas was spent primarily lazing in Baby's house watching MTV Awards and Miss Teen USA. We're not huge fans of going to town to join in the already-darned huge humongous crowd, because simply, we are like Bernard Marx. We don't exactly enjoy fighting with hundreds of others for oxygen.

After that, Yak and I had intentions to go to the French Stall for some low budget decent French Food. I've got this huge desire in me to try French food for one reason or another. I can practically imagine myself indulging in escargot, with garlic and butter leaking down the sides of my mouth. Arghhhhhhhh!!! Hail the juice, hail the food! La galore!

But we were bloody disappointed after a long walk through the Indian version of Harlem Street to find out that they are closed today. Bleh. We finally settled down near Bendemeer Hawker Center for some decent Meepok and not so decent Fried Oyster. Major disappointment.

But I have plans to go to the French Stall tomorrow with my baby heh! Wahahaha!!!

CAN'T WAIT!

NKF

2005-12-24T08:22:00.000+08:00

I thought she wrote pretty well.
Taken from http://singabloodypore.civiblog.org/blog/_archives/2005/7

In the latest developments the entire NKF Board and its CEO have taken the easy route out and resigned. That's leadership for you, when things get messy, just get up and leave the mess for someone else to clean up.

But I don't think the new CEO or Board will do much cleaning up. Looks like they are replacing one bunch of rotten apples with another bunch of potentially more rotten apples. It does not address the real problem.

WHAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM?

There are several recurrent issues here. Singapore is in this current mess because Lee's PAP Government has forgotten that not everything can be reduced to money. You cannot throw money at all your problems and expect it to magically disappear.

The material base that motivates Singapore's "leaders" is only too evident when the NKF's transit CEO (Gerald Ee) hinted that "SGD600,000/- may not be sufficient for the new replacement to take office"!!! Money is the only motivating factor and if they have elected a leader and a board who is motivated only by money, its only a natural and unavoidable result that they will end up with an organization which has forgotten its once noble purpose and replaced it with more materialistic pursuits.

Have they (Singapore) appointed a Wolf in sheep's clothing to guard their precious flock? For positions like these in charity organizations, THE CHIEF MOTIVATING FACTOR CANNOT BE MONEY! as they are not running an investment bank. The same applies senior public service positions and for ministerial positions. NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE REDUCED TO MONEY. But Lee's PAP Ministers have used this holistic approach to address any and all issues under the sun.

Lee and his ministers simply CANNOT RUN A COUNTRY THE SAME WAY THEY RUN A COMPANY. Why? Because a country comprises of flesh and blood and spirit. A company is merely a corporate vehicle that is often set-up for the sole purpose of reaping a monetary profit.

SINGAPORE AS A COUNTRY, IS NOT SINGAPORE INC!!!! And even if it is, its directors (and that means Lee and his million dollar cabinet) have to remain accountable to the shareholders (Singapore citizens). Singapore MINISTERS have to be transparent, and they are not especially as regards their salaries and the management of the country's reserves.

Consider this, the NKF was originally set up as a supposedly charitable organization. In form and function it appeared above board and reputable. But in actual practice it had a hidden agenda to siphon wealth from the public into state coffers. And what happens to all this money (all SGD200 million of it?) No body knows.

These same similarities in the NKF saga are reproduced on a grander scale in overall state administration in Singapore. Whether its the CPF, LTA, GLCs, Temasek etc they all relate to the the same basic issue. It goes back to the same bunch of corrupt leaders paying themselves and their cronies humongous rediculous salaries, approved and legitimized under a set of bogus laws that they legislated in the first place.

But even before this NKF scam, transparency issues have dogged Singapore's state administration for decades and repeated requests by the World Bank, IMF, FTA and other NGOs for greater accountability and transparency havebasically fallen on deaf ears.

These are basic transparency issues which plaque management of public moneys by all state entities (whether its the CPF Board, GLCs, Temasek, LTA etc). There is massive deception on a grand scale and I suspect the latest NKF debacle only surfaced due to internal friction within Singapore's "inner-circle of elite politicians." Perhaps someone amongst Singapore's Ruling Elite wanted a bigger portion of the loot.

Think about it. Durai commenced his latest law suite on the confident assumption that it would be a "no contest" walk-over like his two previous suites. But whilst the Singapore sham courts had no problems finding
in his favor in the 2 previous suites (which were taken against private individuals and a volunteer who correctly questioned his lavish spending), the latest suite was against another state bureaucracy. And it was inevitable that the sham court found in favor of the bigger devil. So even amongst the thieves there is a power struggle over who gets a bigger piece of the loot.

So this then is justice ala Singapore styled. Who you are and who you are connected with ultimately decides the outcome of the law suite. The material facts of the case (and legal premise) have little relevance in the kangaroo's court final assessment.

But by far the most troubling problem is that of Legitimized Corruption. You (Mellanie) have used the term "Legitimized Corruption" very accurately, but failed to elaborate on its true meaning and implications.

Legitimized Corruption means essentially that the corrupt act itself is made perfectly legal. That is why there is a possibility that the external audit on NKF may turn out nothing because Durai and his actions may have been all perfectly legitimate and authorized according to the internal constitution of the Board.

In a normal organization with bona fide controls in place, the Board would not have approved and allowed such unreasonable and lavish expenditures. However, in Singapore's setting where "anything goes" it is possible that the board were within their discretionary powers to authorize such lavish expenditures. Mind you these are expenditures which (by any ordinary definition) would have amounted to an immoral mis-management of public moneys for unauthorized applications. But if the internal rules of conduct of NKF allowed the Board to act in this manner, it would then be an authorized and legitimate act.

So even after the process of audit has concluded it is perfectly possible for the auditors to conclude that the use of donor funds for;
a) Durai's pay of SGD600,000 and his salary of SGD1.8 million;
b) All expenses and application of donor funds used for purchase of
SGD990/- god taps;
c) All expenses for first class air travel;
d) The levying of a 30% Admin Fee;
e) The hiring of personal drivers and limos.
All of the above are authorized and legitimate.

Anyway we all know that the so called "audit" of the NKF accounts is merely a publicity stunt to show case to the world that the current government and the new board is taking steps to remain accountable.

But does this make the above acts any more acceptable and morally correct. NO! Of cause not. An atrocity is still an atrocity even though it is legitimized. One clear example is prostitution in Singapore. It is legal and the fact that it is legal does not detract one iota from the fact that it is still immoral, depraved and inhuman.

Of cause there are critics who will argue that moral values are to subjective concepts and we cannot always use these imprecise measures to define what is right or wrong. And I concede that there is some truth in this as we live in a world coloured in grey.

However, there will always remain some acts which are so blatantly wrong that they remain morally objectionable and immoral by any standard and yardstick. And the NKF scam (as well as Singapore ministerial salaries) fall within this category. It is morally wrong by any measure and this is not a grey area at all.

This same logic applies on a larger scale as regards ministerial salaries and the process that is orchestrated to "approve" such unreasonable and lavish salaries (amounting to millions of dollars per minister).

Legitimized Corruption works much like Money Laundering, but is worse. In essence Legitimized Corruption is corruption which is made legal. These perpetrators attempt to do what drug cartels and money launderers do;- basically "launder" the money (or the dishonest act) and make the final product appear nice and clean.

But senior politicians differ from your average drug lord or mafia boss in one important respect;- these ministers are much more sophisticated. They know the system (and probably designed it) and know how to manupulate and tweak the system so that they can have access to the ill-gotten gains without getting their hands dirty. Next to them, Gordon Gecko and the God-Father look like novices and vestal virgins.

However make no mistake the underlying act itself remains wrong, dishonest and morally objectionable but is hidden under a cloak of legitimacy. Drug money (and money from dishonest trades) is still ill-gotten loot. Behind this elaborate sham are a host of corporate and state entities (GLCs, state owned entities and yes, charitable organisations) which are set-up to place a corporate veil between the real perpetrators and the morally objectionable and dishonest transaction.

The fact that it is perfectly legitimate does not itself make it MORALLY CORRECT. This is especially the case when you have a legislature that is totally removed (and remains out of touch) with the moral values and aspirations of the people it is supposed to serve and protect.

In fact, this kind of legitimized corruption is the worst possible kind as it means the corruption has infiltrated the most senior ranks of management (and the political leaders). Compared to this elaborate deceit, the more obvious corruption in Indonesia are crude by comparison and far easier to identify and correct as it is acknowledged that such objectionable acts itself are WRONG and are not endorsed by the country's laws.

How do you ask a cop to catch a thief when the cop himself is a thief?

Legitimized Corruption by its very nature is more sinister and difficult to identify. For instance, a government official who accepts bribes worth $1.6 million a year is guilty of corruption. But what happens if this same official or minister receives this money as part of his "LEGITIMATE" salary. In both cases the act itself is the same unconscionable and immoral act. But in the later case, there is no need for the official to hide his ill-gotten gains as it is formally endorsed by an equally corrupt legislature/parliament who has a hand in the ill gotten gains.

The definition of a Parasitic Leech is as follows: "leech: a follower who hangs around a host (without benefit to the host) in hope of gain or advantage". The kind of legitimized corruption already endorsed and prevalent in Singapore's state machinery is far worse. It is a cancerous malice which is more surreptitious and insidious. The festering rot is not immediately apparent to an external casual observer but is eating away the core of the its host. Left unchecked, such parasites will consume a once healthy body before discarding the empty shell and relocating to another unwary host.

Legitimized Corruption is also like cancer. It is a chronic ailment which rooted itself very deeply within the host (and the state machinery). Such a chronic ailment did not occur over night but took place over decades of accumulated unchecked accesses. Durai himself was in the NKF for over 30 years and it is no mere coincidence that Singapore has been under the same government (and people and family) for over 30 years.

This is precisely the reason why in the US and other bona fide democracies there is a mandatory change in administration every 4-8 years. A new administration brings forth a completely new government which will was away unchecked accesses and commence things tabula rasa.

But somehow in Singapore it appears that only families starting with the Lee surname or who are closely affiliated with this first family are the only candidates who qualify for election. What a quaint and family friendly arrangement! Its just too bad that the average Singaporean is excluded from this elitist inner-circle.

However, Singapore's Ruling Elite also have to be wary of the accompanying dangers of in-breeding which can occur from a small and exclusive gene pool. Cancerous deformaities can result after generations of in-breeding.

And the Cancer has many signs and symptoms. There have already been many evident tell tale signs of the internal rot and its accompanying putrid stench. However, Singaporeans in their numbed state of awareness may be mistaking the over-powering stench of decay for sweet perfume. The entire state machinery is orchestrated to maintain this state of illusion and deception.

In the normal mechanics of an open and transparent state legislature and government, the moral values of the mans on the street is reflected (although not perfectly) in the policy formulation process. This is not the case in Singapore and your "leaders" know it. Just challenge them to run a referendum regarding their salaries and it will be evident that 90% of the population are totally disgusted by such blatant acts of greed. Of cause the local state owned media will somehow always paint the picture of an adoring and obedient public as part of an elaborate charade. So the truth never ever gets out.

Corruption of this scale starts form the top and slowly works its way down the ranks to pollute every senior arm of the state machinery from the Judiciary to Legislature to the Executive and especially to a docile and compliant state managed local press. It cannot be stopped easily without external intervention.

Slowly but surely what started off as a morally unacceptable issue becomes part and parcel of "accepted norm" which is disguised behind a pile of state endorsed laws and bills. Even the once sacred document, the Constitution, is not spared and is re-written to the whims and fancies of those they serve. How many Singaporeans are aware of the fact that the country's Constituion has been amended to allow state owned entities and GLCs easier access directly to the country's reserves? And it also does not take a genius to work out that it is the close affiliates of the Ruling Elite who sit on the management boards of these state owned entities and GLCs.

The following is a fascinating observation. The exact size of Singapore's foreign exchange reserves and the management of thses funds is designated as a STATE SECURITY FOR INTERNAL SECURITY REASONS. Is it mere co-incidence that the conservative ball park estimate of the net worth of the Lee family is roughly equivalent to your country's reserves? (USD130-140 billion?)

What you have in Singapore are a bunch of hired mercenaries who are ripping off the very people they are supposed to look after.

Singaporeans. This is your country and your life. If you continue in this state of drugged apathy, you will cease to have any control over your own faith and destiny.

Do you really want to hand over your life to the devil?

Do you want to have a Singapore with No Singaporeans?

Its time to wake up from your state of denial and confront the harsh reality before your very eyes.

Yours faithfully

Karl Capeland
Ohio State

For more details on the above, see "Lifting The Veil On Singapore
Politics"; http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Sg_Review/message/1755

Does splashing white paint on a black car make the black car white? You decide.

Guitar tab and lyrics sites to close

2005-12-23T11:12:00.000+08:00

The music industry is to extend its copyright war by taking legal action against websites offering unlicensed song scores and lyrics.

So the music industry is taking its war to song lyrics and guitar tab resource web sites are they? They want the owners of web sites that publish lyrics, sheet music and guitar tabs to do some jail time as well as shutting the web site down. Just who does MPA boss Lauren Keiser ‘the music miser’ think he is anyway?

-BBC Entertainment News & Weekly Gripe respectively.

This is ultimate bullshit.

--------------------------------------------

Read more:
Site 1
Site 2

Ketoprofen

2005-12-22T09:28:00.000+08:00

That's the name of the drug that gave me false illusions - Ketoprofen
It made me think that I was recovering really well, when I wasn't actually. It's a goddamned strong painkiller. Yesterday morning I missed one dose, and from evening onwards my neck was inflammed and my shoulder blade hurts. It was then I realise I'm no where near full recovery. I really screwed some shit inside real bad this time.

And then I told my mother I'm about done with my injury. And now this. You know I hate it so damn fucking much to talk to her about things that involve money. Because she will end up nagging and all. Sometimes I wonder what's more important to her. Or maybe cause other people just can't see what's so crucial about getting this bloody injury healed fast enough. They don't see what I call the urgency. And I bloody hell urgently need to get it healed fast.

Every single day I delay is a single training session lost.

And is a single training session gained by my opponents.

I fucking hate losing this foothold.

Fuck it.

Oh why hi there.

2005-12-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

We're more than just machines working our asses off under the scorching sun and stinking fucking Kallang Water. Machines give their 100%, we give our 120%
-The Unbeatable Cheesy Chris

I really miss trainings. I've missed a total of 3 training sessions this holiday. Tomorrow will be my 4th. I'm fucking angry with myself I don't know why either. Maybe fundamentally cause I just can't go for trainings temporarily.

It feels so weird not being drained to the bones. So weird not feeling fatigued, like I've not done something right. Not that I feel obliged to go for training, but I really find myself enjoying it more and more. It's become an addiction, the passion that I've been doing for 9 months. I stuck through all the shit in the beginning and really don't wanna give up nor have my current standard drop any further. I hate it when things go this way. I really hope for a speedy complete recovery for Pete's sake. Please.

I'm still contemplating if I should go tomorrow.

Maybe I will.

Talk about luck.

2005-12-13T09:31:00.000+08:00

And so my Round Ubin Kayaking Marathon last Sunday was a big flop, when all it took was a snap in between my shoulder blade to end it all. I sprained my neck halfway through the marathon, somewhere near Outward Bound School. I thought initially that it was just a slight crack you usually get from stiff bones, but found out in a matter of minutes that it was more than just a crack. The pain kinda spread throughout my shoulder blade and I couldn't continue rowing at all.

What's sad is that my partner, Don and I were having quite a nice pace and good position amongst the rest, and were planning to slowly pin down one boats at a time, when this kinda shit crap happened. I really let down the team, and more importantly my partner. We had to go back via a powerboat, with our Kayak towing behind. Although Don was very understanding, I couldn't forgive myself. I knew from the previous trainings that we were the school's only T2 or Doubles hope, with the other Doubles pair missing close to 80% of the training sessions. Moreover, we showed extreme potential during training sessions all the time, and it was pretty much obvious to many that Don and I were the upcoming stars.

What's also sad is that I trained every single fucking day prior to the marathon, and missed one training sessions with the school due to some bottom cramps. On non-training days I would swim or gym with Yak to keep myself going. All for the Marathon. And like I said, it went down the drain with a fucking pathetic snap. And now I'm cooped up at home, unable to accomplish even simple chores like lying down on bed properly.

My tears have dried, and what's more devastating was that I actually had to forsake my 4d/3n Expedition the following day, which I was really looking forward to. I know for a fact there won't be another one held just for me. And every now and then I look out of my window to see East Coast Beach, trying to picture how much fun the rest are having. My weekend has formally screwed up, and I don't know why I deserve such a fate. I'm resentful, and very sore about everything. I hate to see my ziplog bags I've prepared for the Expedition. Like I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with them already.

In the Ambulance, all I could think about was Sonia and my back, praying hard it wasn't as serious as it seemed to be. Because the people in charge told me I might have a muscle rupture or some shit like that. I didn't know what to expect, just hoped that I would have a fast recovery span. Because what I fear most is a reoccurance of what always happens to me whenever I peak in a particular sport. Like previously at the peak of my badminton career, I had a sprained ankle and a swollen tendon on my right shoulder. And now this. I'm really afraid I can't continue with canoeing, because I unknowingly found myself being passionate about the sport and everything else that tags along with it. Right now it feels quite terrible, and I can only pray for a speedy and complete recovery so I can continue doing something I like doing, not stopping what I like doing at the peak of my canoeing career. They say the greatest blow you can give an athelete is handicapping his ability to continue with his sport. I couldn't agree more.

But thankfully, it was very comforting to know that I have a caring girlfriend who drops over my house everyday to look after me, giving me massages on my back though she knows it will hurt her fingers alot, and even dropping over despite her having cramps. I must say this period has brought the two of us closer than ever, it's a kind of bonding that doesn't happen every other day. I must have scared her quite abit, because not knowing what has happened to you can be quite a scary experience. I'm feeling alot better emotionally now, because at least I know I have someone who truly loves me standing behind me, always ready to be there for me. And I'm truly thankful and appreciative of that fact. As for now, I think I'm 60% more to go before I fully recover. Hopefully within the next 5 days my injury gets well fast enough.

But before I say anything, I'd like to say:

Thanks baby, for everything.
I LOVE YOU!

And last but surely not the least, CHANGI HOSPITAL SUCKS.

1T05 CLASS PARTEHHHHHH BABY!

2005-11-20T12:27:00.000+08:00

The following was copied/pasted from Sonia's blog:

hey guys,

thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to read this.

anyway, we need to settle certain issues for the long-awaited christmas party in order for it to be a blast and not some messy last minute arrangement.

main issues:

1. Theme
Okay, submission of desired themes for the party are to be in by 25th Nov after which i'll be putting all submissions onto a poll and put it up for all to vote. PLEASE VOTE GUYS, cos everything revolves around the theme (such as what YOU will be wearing, decor [maybe?] and even the food and music)The date whereby i'll be announcing the results of the poll (i think you'll be able to keep track of it by looking at it right? hmm...) is 30th Nov. So if you dont vote by then, THATS YOUR LOSS. not trying to be mean but you know, if i dont set a deadline for everything, we wont get anything done. i think you guys should know that by now.

2. Food
There are two choices, BBQ or Potluck.
However, i think kerri (our venue provider) would very much prefer a potluck to avoid a mess. but the problem that persists right now, is the warmth of the food. im afraid the stuff may turn soggy/cold. Please also submit suggestions on the type of food you wish to eat at the party/can provide. Moreover, i think its very important that everyone helps to clean up after the party and not just dump it to the people who leave last/kerri herself. Hence if people are gonna have to leave early, we are gonna have to end the party early so as to make it fair and make everyone do his/her part of the cleaning up. Please also give me dessert suggestions okay?

3. Drinks
I need suggestions guys. Cos i dont want the party to revolve around ONLY a few people's likings. so i need a rough gauge on the different types of drinks we are gonna have. I've already asked MEL (who is leaving for bangkok today) to help get 2-3 bottles of VODKA RASPBERRY from the airport(if you guys dont want it then nvm ill buy them all from her) for the party (cheaper deals!)

4. Decor
As for this issue, im not too sure if we still should have this. I need to know what the budget is gonna be like for everyone as well. Cos everyone will be sharing the burden of the budget EQUALLY! so again, YOU gotta give your opinions or we wont know.

5. Games/Activities
We need to have stuff to do right? So GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS PLEASE! either that, or if someone could offer to help to plan this part it would be a heck load off me man! any takers?? thankyouverymuch.

6. Exchange of presents
Every christmas party needs the presence of presents! so basically, ive come up with a plan since we cant possibly have everyone meeting up just to draw lots can we? Hence, ive drawn up a number plan with everyone's names. This "game" will be played on a first come first serve basis and highly confidential. i'll give you a range of numbers you can choose from and from there, you pick one. Whomever's name has been put next to that number will be the person whom you are getting the gift for. To make it fair, i'll take the last number left standing. also, ill note down who is getting a gift for who so as to ensure that everyone gets gifts. lets play fair okay? By the way, there'll be a budget for the presents since we're all not that rich. each present is to be between the range of $8 to $15 bucks okay? no more no less. Please also try NOT to tell anyone whom youre buying for in order not to spoil the fun. as we already know, word spreads fast. dont spoil it for anyone. (okay, mine will be spoilt though.. ): )

7. Music
Yongyan has gladly volunteered his services hence everyone is to submit the songs yuo guys wanna hear at the party to him and he'll dl and burn them. Submission is due on 10th Dec. So again, if you dont submit what you wanna hear, chances are, you'll be listening to music you cant stand. then ill be laughing at you.

8. Invites
Basically, Ivan will be in charge of piecing together an invite via photoshop and will be sending it virtually to everyone in 1T05. lets invite miss lee okay? so ill get him to email one to miss lee and ill msg her again to confirm if she's coming. if she is, ill add her to the list of 'exchange of presents'

9. Budget
As we'll be sharing everything, i need a rough gauge on budget. Hence pls tell me how much youre willing to fork out for this party and ill get an average okay? cos lets jus say, if everyone forks out $5 we'll only have $90 as budget (only to cover the food maybe? cant cover much)

10. Time Arrangements
Tell me what time you guys can make it until. like lets say 6pm-10pm? then cleaning up from 10pm-11pm? TELL ME GUYS!!!

so sorry this is so long.. hehh.. arts student what. oh wait. im no longer one. ):

O_o

2005-11-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

Richard and I spent most of yesterday fucking about (literally) and we didn’t do anything. I was never so aware of how much fucking there was going on, but there was. Because it took up the entire day, and when we tried to get at it this morning, I started bleeding. Which is not a good thing to have happen to you. It doesn’t feel like anything though, not yet anyway, but then again, there aren’t a lot of pain sensors on the surface of the skin of the vagina.

We had the conversation about pussy size once again, and I’m always shocked at how sill I once was for presuming that small dicks didn’t get anywhere. But of course, small dicks are good for small pussies, and some girls are made with much smaller pussies then others. And for all the fucking that some girls will ever do with their life, their pussies will always stay small, because that was just the way they were built… and then there are virgins with cavernous cunts… because that is the way they are. So seriously, the idiots that think too much fucking will loosen up a girl’s pussy? They should start getting their brains in order by just reading a bit more.

-SarongPartyGirl

That's new.

Kids

2005-11-16T10:03:00.000+08:00

So Sonia and I were talking about 2 kids, Callum and Sean from a blog she reguarly reads, when I suddenly thought - How would our kids turn out to be next time?

Like a fusion between the 2 of us. One thing for sure, I don't mind if the kids turn out like her, but I definitely am quite appalled by the idea of the kids turning out like me.

Like...

Can you imagine the kids choosing graphic tees that say things like "WestBay Beach: It's rude not to be nude" as their first choice of clothes?
Can you imagine the kids saying FUCK like Seasame Street taught them how to do it?
Can you imagine the kids looking better when they try to look stupid than when they smile on photos?
Can you imagine the kids looking as ugly as I am because I just said so in the previous sentence.
Can you imagine the kids scoring 36 points for their Prelims?
Can you imagine the kids doing only 1 question per A Math paper, and getting only 1 digit figures per A Math paper?
Can you imagine the kids who calls their teacher by their second name?
Can you imagine the kids whose main goal in studying is to earn enough to hire a maid? (Which is pretty practical of course)

Just annoys me.

2005-11-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

I was reading a blog of a friend of mine, and got pretty much annoyed after reading one of her entries. She was saying how she couldn't make sense out of songs of so called cheena singers. Seriously, that pissed me off.

Think about it - Why are you shunning away from that origins of the fucked up blood that's flowing inside your body? Don't mean it literally, but it's a fact. I'm not sure if these people are trying their best to proclaim to the world about their kick ass glamorous or cool image by emphasising the fact that they cannot speak Mandarin, even though they jolly-well can do so. Fluently at that.

It doesn't make you any smarter or cooler if you cannot speak Mandarin. In fact, you're just indulging in a pool of self-denial. Which is really sad. Most of us are weak in the Chinese Language, face it. We know it. But don't exaggerate that fact. You know it? Glory for the world and you, but don't exaggerate it.

Because clearly, by stating that you can make zero sense out of a song shows how much you are actually denying to yourself knowledge of the song. And also because, clearly, you do not also actually understand most of the words of an English song. Face it people, FACE IT. How many of you actually can proudly say that you can make every single word from EVERY damned English song you listen to? Oh, if you do, screw me. But if you don't (which is most likely the case), then SCREW YOU!

Gah... People have degenerated into poor pathetic souls who will eventually become dead matter. Nothing but dead matter. It just makes me wonder what kind of legacy these people will end up leaving. Oh did I say legacy? What a nice word to use on these arsehats. I'm not angry really, just annoyed. That also reminds me of a girl whom I heard from baby, who said that she actually had a friend, who bribed her friends who visited her house, just so as to prevent the class from finding out that her parents are actually Chinese-Educated, and speak Mandarin as a main language at home. Well, GEEZ. Shame on you. As I've clearly noted in one of my previous posts, my parents speak Mandarin as a first language, and they are not exactly the most educated parents around. Well at least I don't go to the extent of denying it, much more bribing.

Pathetically

Disgusting.

The reason why I have a better command of my English Language than my Chinese Language lies in the fact that I converse with my sister (who's really good with her languages) more in English. Turned out my grandparents were totally unable to speak Mandarin at all, irony. And yeah, I did spend my childhood years with them till I was 7 years of age. In case you're wondering, I do have quite a communication problem with my parents. Especially my Dad and his conventional mindset, that never changes. Never will, even if the mountain shifts and the pigs fly. Not that I don't like them or whatsoever, but I just rarely get to see them. They are pure workaholics, 10am to 10pm every single friggin day, even public holidays. That's the extent. And they absolutely love money.

Back from digressing. I've lost the drive to continue to my main topic, but whatever the hell. Tired from cleaning baby's room, with her today. But it was a hell lot of fun =)

Ivan cleaning windows. Laugh assholes, laugh.

Emily Rose - The Great Hype and the Great Haiz...

2005-11-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

After getting all excited about the upcoming The Exorcism of Emily Rose, it turned out to be such a disappointment. Really. I think the show really sucked. It should be renamed The Court Case of Emily Rose. I mean omgwtfbbq the whole damned movie just revolved around the Exorcism yes, but it was largely based in the friggin court for Pete's sake. For all those who have been anticipating it, just be warned, there are very minimal scenes about Emily Rose herself. And even if they were, they were all RECOUNTS. Yeah, RECOUNTS damnit.

It was so boring I actually fell asleep continuously. There were decent parts though, especially when Emily was forced by the Father to identify the demons inside her or something along those lines. But that's about it! Gaaaah...

Baby was really nice to accompany me to watch although she knew it would freak her out to the max. I'm really appreciative of the fact that she actually sacrificed quite a large part for me. Thank you very much, I love you. <3

And I just finished watching Saw. Great movie, I love it.

Exorcism

2005-10-31T23:43:00.000+08:00

With all that hype about The Exorcism of Emily Rose (based on a true story), how can we not get excited about the issue of exorcism? Now now now, so I went about to my handy google.com and typed in my search criteria: exorcism and vola! Out come my results. Clicking onto my 2nd result, Exorcism the Facts, I found this:

THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVEEEEE ME!

Not that fantastic afterall

2005-10-30T20:39:00.000+08:00

Well after all that hype about 40 Year-Old Virgin, it really was quite the cookie-cutter. It barely made it past the mark.

But thanks to its hilarious waxing scene, the movie probably made it through. Baby was just dying to watch it for weeks, seriously. And I knew that nothing would stop her today. Not even AO Chinese Exams tomorrow, not even Skeleton Key yesterday, not even the fact that we were close to broke, soon. And in case you are wondering how I've been going on preparing for AO Chinese, well here's it. I've watched Great Raid, Skeleton Key and to top it all, 40 Year-Old Virgin. Hope it helps for my paper tomorrow.

And hell yeah, we made it past the counters (no questions asked) even though we're below 18. =)

Trivia Time

2005-10-30T09:43:00.000+08:00

Some things you might not know about me.

I listen to 'Enter Sandman' whenever I leave my house, unless my iPod goes flat of course. I think it gives me confidence and makes me feel good about myself.
I love locking myself up in my room, blasting my stereo as well as my voice box, singing along. That's how I practice anyhow.
I dont enjoy canoeing as much as I enjoy music. But I like to give my best in whatever I do, and yeah, canoeing is fun too.
I used to listen to nothing but Ballads and RnB. Anything that features more than the reccommended human decibal range is a nono. Not anymore though, I listen to everything but Ballads and RnB. Nah j/k. I listen to everything now.
I've been in depression once, never got treated, just got up my knees eventually. Took me about half a year. Made me a really strong person at the end of the day.
I'm a self-proclaimed metrosexual when it comes to fashion. Show the assets, hide the eye-sores.
I love shopping, though I don't enjoy walking into each and every store and try out stuff that I know I wouldn't buy. I hate going to shop if I know I'm broke. In fact I don't at all.
I'm very interested in topics about God and Satan. I'm not exactly afraid of Satan (if he exists), in fact I kinda like to swear at him. Like FUCK YOU SATAN! I've always loved to explore the issue about God's existence, rather than follow blindly in some religious doctrine (ie. The Holy Bible) which might not be true afterall. It's afterall, written by Man.
I don't like to go to churches, especially the charismatic ones. They annoy me alot really. Damn gung-ho, I cannot stand it.
I respect all religions, including Christianity/Catholicism. Religions are good, no doubt. As quoted: "I don't have a problem with God, just His followers."
I love to fantasize about being in my own Band and performing in front of a 100,000 strong crowd. Like Live in Rio, or anything of that scale.
I love to sing, and I don't hesitate to burst out singing as and when I like. Most should know this by now =)
I go to the gym, and run every morning since last week.
I don't take steroids you asshats.
I love horror/thriller flicks. Things that daunt me rock.
I have a younger brother, and an older sister. When we visit relatives, they will say to my sister: "WAHHHH SO PRETTY ALREADY AH!!!". But when they turn to me, they will go: "Oh so now in army already?" I mean, why not "WAAAAAH SO HANDSOME ALREADY AH!!!" Aiyahhh... Ivan's not handsome lah, thats a fact.
I like to stare at myself in the mirror topless, I'm quite a narcissist. I'm an uber cam-whore too. Pictures I likeeee.
I wished I could draw well. But I have trouble making an apple look like an apple.
I love to eat.
I like money.
I wanna study Philosophy/Literature in University but I love money too much to do that.
I don't wanna end up being a teacher but I think that's not a remote possibility.
I want to move out of my house as soon as I can, with my girlfriend prefably.
I cannot do Math. Arts for t3h w1n. And to hell with the people who discrminate us and make things difficult for us Arts Students. _|_
I will never ever steal, but I've stolen before. Because I know how it feels like to have something stolen. All thieves can fuck off. All potential thieves with intentions to do so can fuck the wall.
I don't like to impose or force things upon people. I usually let people do what they want, that includes my girlfriend.
I usually keep quiet about the things I don't like or annoy me. Sometimes I speak them off my mind, sometimes I don't.
I like tight clothes, and I'm a sucker for leather.
I'm easygoing, to the point sometimes I appear too gullible. Not anymore =) Welcome to CJC.
I have a curfew ; ; Damn sad.
I've not clubbed before, only pubbed.
My parents are Chinese-Educated. I speak Mandarin with my parents at home, as awkward as it sounds like. But I don't talk to them often. I converse with my siblings in English. Thanks to my sister, my English is alot better than it was a long time ago.
I wear crocodile underwears, although I think I would enjoy wearing boxers more.
I've just wore a skirt 2 days ago and people took pictures of my Liberation. I feel so cheap now.
I love Sonia, and spend most of my days with her. And I absolutely would like to spend the rest of them with her as well.

Well the last one isn't exactly new is it? =)

Movies Galore!!!

2005-10-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

Wahahaha, caught 2 movies today, one with my classmates and the other with baby. First caught The Great Raid, which was a hell of a boring movie, except the actual raid itself. It's about a mission to save POWs during WWII in Philippines, against the Japanese and all. Honestly, it didn't make quite of an impact on me, in fact, it was more of a display of the classic American Gung-Ho, since the raid was American's most successful military operation in history. Account for the dropping of the 2 atomic bombs on Japan then. Period.

It was disappointing because I expected more graphic scenes. Like when they were about to execute some POWs as part of punishment, the focus on the POWs was really pathetic. I expected the POWs to like pee on their pants or something, to show how afraid they really are. If I was in their shoes, my gawd... I can't imagine really. It really did freak me out when I thought of war, and how I would take tortures and all IF I ever needed to. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to actually withstand such mental and physical torture. I think the worse part about the whole war shit is the chance that you might get tortured and suffer, rather than just die in a single gunshot. I hate to suffer, would rather die immediately.

Next up was Skeleton Key with baby. DAMN GOOD SHOW MAN I TELLA YOU. Damn full of twists, and I really enjoyed allowing the movie scare the hell out of me. Baby was extremely adorable, covering her face most of the time, yet still watching it through gaps of her fingers. So cute hehe. <3s her to death! The show, although complicated, was one of the best I've ever watched man. Better than Flight Plan indeed, as baby said in her blog. Man, if you haven't caught it, I say you go watch it please. Damn good. Damn nice!!! I was practically shivering through some scenes, because they were just that exciting. And for your information, there are no ghosts involved. It's more of a thriller than a ghost horror flick. So yeah, it doesn't need to involve ghosts to be scary and exciting. It's thrilling enough as it is. Damn good... I love it. Kate Hudson was fantastic, sound effects were fantastic, Voodoo Magic is fantastic, Baby is fantastic-est though heh!

Another conclusion

2005-10-19T02:20:00.000+08:00

The results are out, and this is one of the most heart wrenching periods of the year. People's spirits are the lowest I've ever seen, with all that disappointed faces and rejected moods. This was not the case for most people, especially for those who promoted, because their celebration was done in the presence of someone else's low key in life. This wasn't the case for me even though I made it pass the hurdle. I wasn't rejoicing nor celebrating, for I know the following year ahead will be darn different for me.

I tear at the thought of how I've gotten so used to everything and everytime, it's all about you and you and nothing else. I can still recall you saying:
"It's so good we're in the same PW group too! So much better right!"

How I'm gonna miss that kind of opportunities together with you in the future. But again I must constantly remind myself that I mustn't let it get to me, because I'm being very very selfish thinking about you staying and all when it might not be the best choice available. I'm sorry, if at any one point in time, I appeared selfish. I never meant to, just like I never meant to make you mad at me.

In Economics, we learnt the concept of 'relative pricing'. About how one good is more expensive relative to another. In other words, how one's judgement is relative to a certain benchmark he/she have set. This benchmark is more of something you have already achieved, and hence seek to fufill something beyond what you have already achieved. How else can we show the unlimited wants and desires of Man?

For instance, somebody who has already promoted would have his/her criteria of promotion achieved or satisfied, and hence his/her main concern now would be to push up his/her grades. On the contrary, someone on the verge of promoting would have his/her criteria of promotion placed as a main concern, since that is something he/she hasn't achieved. 2 marks to the former might mean a different in one grade, but 2 marks to the latter might mean promoting and retaining. Really people, does the former really need that 2 fucking marks? I say no, because hell, you're living in somebody else's dreams damnit. So get a life, and be contented with your current benchmark, rather than proclaiming and whining to the god-damned world about failing to get a B or C because you needed 2 more marks or some shit along those lines.

Talk about the ills of Man.

I say -

L'infantile terrible of Man

Or maybe, Ivan's just a sad man at the end of every day. But it's alright! My baby cheers me up all the time with every little bit of thing she does. =) I love you so much.

I'm a cam-whore

2005-10-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

Aloha! Been M.I.A for a few days or so because my damned computer's CPU fan burnt out and Hard-Disk basically screwed up along with it. Anyhow, all's good and the sun is shining, like wow. But life without the computer is really nothing bad. I can live without it, just that sometimes it kills time so well you just need it around working. Plus my sister's consistent pressures to get it fixed just bleh-ed me out. Who needs a computer when you have the baby right? =)

Here are some pics from CCAB@SMU, where we had our post-promos games:

Oh in case you can't see clearly, I'm wearing a kitty-cat hairband.

Us, with me looking darn hawtingly retarded I know.

My best friend in school, Aaron, acting all hunky and hawt. Well, focus on the word 'acting'.

Suntanning in the middle of the hockey court. Note contrast in number of leg hair. Less hair = More manly.

From this normal, innocent, non-corrupted frisbee shot:

To this... Just had to do it.

Aaron (left) wanted to show us that jumping wouldn't cause him hernia. And well Mel (right) wanted to... Nvm, she already has hernia.

Talk about the budding photographer baby.

look who dropped by?

2005-10-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

peekaboo hubbaroooooo!

wheeee~ *claps like a retard*

i love you hooonnn!!

big muack for the big baby!

.
..
...
....
.....

MUACK!

loveyoutobitssweetiepie.

-youknowwhodamnit.

Your Love - The one thing that keeps me alive

2005-10-05T21:49:00.000+08:00

Do you know what it's like to be the last one in the line, left behind. It's alright we'll survive, the one thing that keeps us alive. No one can take away.

-Stage Fright Remedy

It's the end of the Promotional Examinations.

I believe that giving different circumstances, I would say the previous sentence with the word finally in the end. But not this time I guess, because the end has a two-pronged meaning.

Let's talk about myself first. Even if I so happy to scrap pass the Promos with say 2 Es and an AO pass, would I really be happy? I would think that the first of the many overwhelming feelings one would feel would be that of relief. But after relief, would there be true happiness? I seriously do not desire such results in my A level certificate in the following year. Certainly do not. And it's not like CJC has one heck of a standard amongst other schools. We're among the last few, except maybe for History, which we totally own in, but I always get owned by too.

Then it would be you.
I spent majority of today without you, and I was feeling really out of place and moody most of the time. Everywhere I went, I just wished for your presence. All I could do was to drop you messages every now and then, because maybe that way, I felt closer to you in a way. I don't like this feeling at all, because I know this feeling means your absence. Your absence is nothing less than a withdrawal symptom for you. I don't ever want you to leave me, or stay apart from me for a day, or even a few hours for that matter.

But again I don't know who I'm begging to for some of the wishes I have in my mind. To "God", whom I do not have faith in? Or to myself. Sometimes I feel that people's obligation and trust in God lies in their inability and weakness to control circumstances, and then they pray to the existence of a Divine Being for help and aid, for solace and comfort. But I just don't want to beg or pray to an existence I do not believe in. I refuse to. However, of late I find myself turning to him, secretly hoping for the well-wishes of God, if he exists. I take your make-a-wish-with-your-eyelashes thing damn seriously, really. Every single time I make a wish with it, I wish fucking hard - For the same thing.

Although saying anything wouldn't be of much use now, but hell, I still love to write. I mock myself for the certain weakness in my, contributing to my inability to be more than just a short span of inspiration, or what-not. As much as I want to help you get through this, I think it's being a little too selfish of myself to want to keep you with me. It's wrong, but again is it really wrong? I just want you to be here with me.

You really make me one hell of a happy guy too.

Dreams

2005-10-02T11:57:00.000+08:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

-Aldous Huxley

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lately, I've been thinking about my dreams, and how I've neglected them to pursue the "must dos" in life, like mugging my ass off to pass the Promotional Examinations. I wonder why I lack the courage to live my dreams. But I am fully aware that this lack of courage is due to the totally screwed up society I'm living in. You're what you live with, bassically.

I love locking myself up in my room and blasting the stereo, singing along to my favourite rock tunes. I found myself in music, and an outlet for expressing what's in my heart. I especially enjoy watching Live Videos of my favourite bands, because they put me in a state of euphoria, when at times I drift away from the realities of this world, imagining myself as one of those frontmen I always admired. Like Dave Grohl, whose everlasting passion for music never did cease when his former band, Nirvana, disbanded. Then he started Foo Fighters, creating one of the most unique and best sounds the history of man will always remember.

For this and more, I respect you. *Does the respect sign*

Because of school, I never did have the time and opportunity to further my musical dreams. Because of my Dad, I never did have the chance to pick up any musical instrument and play confidently at home, because they so damn scorn music, even Band Music. I still remembered how my father used to go yadda yadda when I brought home my clarinet to practice. How fucking demoralising, especially my Dad. And when I finally saved up over $800 for my very first electric guitar, he had to burst the bubble and become some god-damned cookie-cutter by telling me NO at the day before my purchase. Like whatever, seriously. With such awesome support from my Dad, it was a taboo to play my kind of music whenever he's around.

Seriously, how to create musical fusion with such an environment? Well, I don't say that HIS kind of music is annoying to my eardrums. I just go: "Sorry, can't appreciate it". And period. All that bullshit about sex, drugs and booze are mere evidence of his "menopause" and constant train of naggings. It's sad how traditional, orthodox people remain this way and have to afflict such misery on their offsprings. Sad, but true.

But recently, it's really comforting to know I might be able to take a step or two, tiny ones, with the baby's undying flame for piano lessons sparking up after watching Corpse Bride. How adorable isn't it? So right now we're going on an islandwide hunt for some affordable group piano classes, to cater for our thirst for musical knowledge.

But but, the sound of music creation might be heaven to my ears, but nothing beats the sound of my baby's voice.

Nothing, not even music.

Desire

2005-09-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

"All my life I have been haunted by the obsession that to desire a thing or to love a thing intensely is to place yourself in a vulnerable position, to be a possible, if not probable loser of what you most want."

-Tennessee Williams, American Playwright

How true. Sometimes I find myself so happy being with you that the thought of you leaving me is just painfully scary. But I guess like what Williams said, putting myself in a most vulnerable position is probably an expression of my utmost desire for you, for your presence in my life.

The Promotional Examinations are insane really. But it was through this Examination that I found true strength in myself, fuelled by you. Everything I did, it was all for you. To be able to set an example for you before I could speak words of persuasion was my ultimate aim - To persuade you to pull through this really tough period. Although it is also undeniable that we are in this state because of our delay in starting for revision, sometimes I just can't help but blame myself for not exercising proper discipline to motivate us to start earlier. That way, we wouldn't find ourselves amidst such intense physical and mental strain that we are at the brink of breaking down.

It's not the shame, never was. It was the fear of losing you, locally, or internationally. I shudder at the thought of the latter. But I think at the end of the day, good things come and go. Sad, but true. I think it's really selfish of me to think that way. When you truly love somebody, you'll set the person free. Right? But sometimes, it's just so hard, so damn hard. Memories, they will live. For memories reside not in the mind, but in the heart.

"And no, we're never going to leave either behind. You might have given up on yourself, but I will never give up on you. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow. Not ever."

-Ivan Tan, Singaporean Bred Goose in <3 with the BLP

These Days

2005-09-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

I'm trying my best to get you through this.

My eyes can barely open now, but I guess it's time to give some recollections of whats occuring around me. My days are marked by "mugging sessions" with the BLP. We would head to my area after school and find ourselves in the Library, Starbucks, MacDonald's and what not. I think my greatest wish now is for her to get through Promos, period.

That reminds me of the shooting star she spotted just now. I missed it, but moments before I did thought I saw something fly by. Seriously. Today I had my GP paper, and I'm particularly pissed because for the first time in many, I went slightly out of point for my Essay. Fuck it man. But it was the baby's megawatt smile that just blew all of my troubles away. That reminds me:

Don't let me go baby, I'm scared.

You&I - This intertwine of hearts. Mine might beat faster than when I'm close to you. But I know for sure, we beat together.

You're still the one <3

I'm such a liar.

2005-09-17T21:08:00.000+08:00

Today I lied. But the lie made baby happy. So why not right? Well the lie's called surprise. *grins*

In your arms, I found a strength inside me
& in your eyes, there's a light to guide me
I would be lost without you
& all that my heart could ever want has come true

So you could give me wings to fly, &catch me if I fall
Or pull the stars down from the sky, so I could wish on them all
But I wouldn't ask for more
Cos your love is the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

I love you to bits too! (:

Institutionalized Religion

2005-09-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

Went to Bryan's Church on Sunday to witness his Baptism. The way he invited me, I just had to go.

"I would be really honoured if you could come and witness my baptism"

I mean like, HOW NOT TO GO RIGHT?!

Some pictures:

Paul > Bryan > Me > Brandon > David

But at the end of the day, the conclusion is still the same. Instituitionalized religion is just not my cup of tea. Sorry. I think I'd keep my comments about it to myself. One cause I think I've spoken enough on this, and two, I really do respect all religions. Don't wanna seem like some anti-Christ son of a gun of some shit like that.

-----------------------------------

I'll then dismiss Promos in 3 words: Two more weeks.
Okay done. Don't wanna be some cliche crap going on and on about how Promos are drawing near and I'm so scared. I actually kept my nerve till recently when I began to think deeply into the issue and began to start getting panicky. But I'm still hanging on. Plus I hope the baby will get her drive like as soon as possible, like right NOW. Don't wish for either of us to be alone in the damn school.

But really, I'm a big cam-whore. I love taking pictures, and posting them. And do it I shall.

Time spent with the BLP is really really really great. Everything feels so right. It's just this whole little world thing I find myself in when I'm with her. Just totally lost in it, totally. I lubx j00!

The morning calls, the hugs, the tom-meets-hairy, the beach walks, the movies, the screening room, the esplanade, the taste of your lips, the oookays, the little-girl-you, the feel of your hands, the petty little fights, the cozy snuggling, the warming of your little fingers, the smell of my jacket, the perfume of yours, the blonde hair, the silent kisses through the air, the accidental falling onto your arms while walking out of the bus, the arms around you, the reminders for meals, the chocolates, the massages, the grabbing of my arms, the tugging of my shirt, the little chill out spots we find everywhere, the not-so-productive mugging sessions, the little world we share, the late night calls, the fairytale.

And YOU, my darling BLP. You're my everything, and it's amazing how my world revolves around you, the one we find ourselves in all the time.

I love you so much baby, my sweet little pwincess piggy. *Hugs*

Life's more than just a rollercoaster

2005-09-09T11:35:00.000+08:00

The past few days have left me in an emotional whirl. I went through all the disappointments, shocks, sadness and whatnot, but came out the happiest guy in the whole wide world. Really am =)

The date I'll always remember: 7th September '05

The Esplanade's great, and the entire place is just so geared towards the 'arty-farty' side of Singapore. All the shops, design, architecture are so unique and different. I mean just walk around the area, and you'd be like immersed into a whole new dimension of Singapore. The class-ier, not-so-cliche side of this island. Oh geez, I'm sounding like some Tourism Board Officer, but whatever. *Does the talk-to-my-manicure gesture*.

And how can we forget the fabulous Library@Esplanade?! I've got a great deal of memories sewn on there, really. I'd just leave it to be, shan't go on about the details.

On a final note, I'm still in amidst my plans to become a real bimbo. And I think I'm doing good at it. Seriously. Now off to practice singing 'Kiss The Girl' before school reopens. I'm sure the 'Little Mermaid' Hit would be snatching the top spot in the CJ Billboard in no time.

<3 @ BLP.

---------------------------------------

EDIT@10.05PM:

Went to get the NIKE Bag for baby, and then headed to her place. To mug. Here's proof:

Journeys

2005-09-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

I went to Toa Payoh twice today. It's funny how the 2nd time I went back there, the journey took so damn long. And when I was going back for the 2nd time, the journey was so damn fast. Oh well, reason is simple. I was merely anxious. The thought of seeing you's just... Great. Just great.

On a lighter note, 2 days ago I was looking for the lyrics for the song, Total Eclipse of The Heart and look what I found:

Kindly click on the image for an enlarged version.

Just let me be myself.

2005-09-05T18:40:00.000+08:00

With Bonnie Tyler blasting as I lock myself in my room, my comfort zone.

Once upon a time I was falling in love...

I think that when things are of this stage, I've learnt how to step back rather than savour every moment of it. As much as I would like to, I can only cherish, not savour. I cannot enjoy, I can only cherish. Cherish all that's left of us.

I ask myself why I find it so hard to smile and feel genuinely happy with you now, and I think I've found the answer. I knew it all along, but yet I was oblivious to it. Right now, I know. I know because took a step back and saw things in a different perspective. Things have changed, and so must I.

I feel so sad because everytime I embrace you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I touch your hands, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I kiss you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I tease you and argue, and finally find you in my arms, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I come so close to you, you pull me close to you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.

I'm sad, and I know I am, and I know why. Because the truth is, the last is just pretty much nearing. I know that each and everytime, it is effectively the last. So I cherish, I don't enjoy, I don't savour.

It's awfully painful typing this post, I scorn the feeling. But I cannot help it and I will get to the end of it.

Just when I thought everything was right, everything just came crashing down on me like a giant death ocean wave greeting at my doorstep. My heart just sank, sank so fast, I couldn't breathe.

Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and I see the look in your eyes. Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart. I fall apart. And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever. And if you'll only hold me tight. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know I'm always in the dark. I really need you tonight. Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.

I feel so inadequate when you hug me. I don't feel like I'm the one. I only feel reliance, not acceptance. I know it, because I feel it so strong. Today, I know that whether or not I like it, I will have to move on. S2 once said: Fuck it, my life's not a holiday. How true. I just need to find that strength someday, because I don't want to go away at all. But an exit from this entire carousel is inevitable, and if I don't get out naturally, I will have to get out eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday, I will be out of this. I know, because I feel it. And I promise you really, that I'll get out as soon as possible. So you might feel better. But for now, I just want to be me.

It feels so weird now. So many times today I found myself biting my tongue just to stop myself from saying: "Hey Baby". Right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that all I want is for you to be genuinely happy. I don't need your smiles, I just want you to be happy. I've never really asked for much, besides some "doses" and hugs. But this time, I ask for your happiness, so you will be happy. With or without me. And right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that the end is drawing near. The last is coming. And so has my heart.

The Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

Now I'm only falling apart.

It always ends up this way.

2005-09-04T21:08:00.000+08:00

My life's nothing but a wreck, some complicated bullshit which probably takes days to explain to others. I hate it when I'm the guy to indulge in all that joy and laughter, and being excluded from the woes. I hate it.

< bitchfit+sarcasm >
Oh oh oh, so what if so and so likes me, and this and that and that and this and whatever the fuck? Does it matter? If you think I enjoy the faggort attention, go fuck the wall. And if that's not enough, go fuck yourself. Get a dildo and stick the shit up your candy ass. If you think it's fun being me, oh well, you're more than welcomed into this bloody damned life I lead.
< /bitchfit+sarcasm >

Yeah so what if I'm in pain? I am what you make me out to be. My heart breaks when yours aches. It bleeds when you weep. And when I feel your agony, you crying out for the glimpse of hope, my heart just shatters. It feels like it's cracking a little by little, fragments dropping down the fucking dark pit. It hurts, but it's like anybody gives more than half a damn. Like anybody understands.

You don't owe me anything, and everything I've given you have no strings attached. They're unconditional and absolutely voluntary. Neither do you have to make it up to me. I don't need anything more. Anything forced is anything artificial. Anything artificial never lasts. I'd rather you be mean, than love and lie. I'd rather hear the truth, and have to say goodbye. But baby, don't break my heart slow. Don't.

"I've never liked to fight for attention. You either give it to me, or I walk away."

Neither do I.

And I'll walk away. I promise.

Don't want to be the last to know
~~Don't want to be the one to chase you~~
But at the same time your the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME IT'S OVER. TELL ME IT'S OVER. TELL ME IT'S OVER... Tell me it's over... Tell me...

I guess that at the end of the day, I still have to find the strength to accept somebody else. But then again, I think I'm sick of this sick cycle carousel, this brand new carousel. It never exits from my life.

And till it does, I will be alone.

As painful as it is, I still love you all the same. Goodbye.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.

2005-09-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I dream about you honestly
Tell me that its over
Because the world is spinning and I'm still living
It wont be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over

I'm sorry man, I just love this song.

I can tell

2005-08-31T20:32:00.000+08:00

With Saosin - I Can Tell playing in the background...

I know that subconsciously sometimes, I make decisions unknowingly. With the subconscious decisions made comes unexpected consquences. And then I think to myself and say: "What exactly went wrong?"

My heart breaks when yours aches.

I know that deep inside me lies a vulnerable me that falters easily. I hate it, but its undeniable that practically nothing knocks me down, because I get over and done with things really quickly. Maybe that's why people like looking up for me when they have problems. Because they are usually pretty sure that I'm not troubled and hence, be in a better position to help them out. I know I'm faltering when I'm unable to say no, unable to control my emotions. Right at this moment, I'm more than satisfied to be able to see you practically everything, and feel your touch sometimes, to smell your hair, and whatnot.

And if I can't hug you, I'll make do with embracing my heart.

It pains me so, but just because I know you're in much agony and trauma.
Please believe me, I never intended for all these complexities to set in. I really didn't.

If you keep asking me I'll melt away in the summer air
It won't hurt half as much and I'll beg for you to stop it now
If you keep asking me I'll melt away in the summer air
It won't hurt half as much and I'll beg for you just tell me something

I just like the melody of this part of the song, so emo.

If only I had the strength I'd be completely accepting somebody else.

I hope it comes soon.

Calling all owners of bitches and hitches.

2005-08-28T22:21:00.000+08:00

Do YOU have an un-measurable passion for dogs and what-not???
Do YOU wish you could help 5 very nice people achieve their goals???
And let them get into University AS SMOOTHLY AS POSSIBLE.
So that can earn enough money to erm, BUY MORE DOG FOOD and all that jazz.

IF SO!!!! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE WANTED!!!!!!

Kindly click here to help my PW group complete a VERY short survey on Dogs. Do this ONLY if you owned/own a DOG now. I mean own as in you have it, not like you fought wrestling and owned it that kind yeah. PLEASE!!!!!! HELP SPREAD THE WORD AND LOVE!!!!!!!!! HELP US!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG, WELL, ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO DO DAMNIT.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How farnnnnny....

2005-08-25T22:01:00.000+08:00

Because..

yenpei: ehh. i saw these photos. it's all drawn la. -.- it's fake!

Fine. I'm a retard now. ; ;

Talk about irony.

2005-08-23T21:26:00.000+08:00

Please click on the image for a larger, readable, viewable, reasonable, suitable, pleasurable (sounds wrong), can-see-able version.

Quite the cute leh, this friend of mine. Oh yeah feel free to add him on MSN, his email is right smack on the center of the page. Kinda long but yeah...

Advices

2005-08-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

Advices - Things you say to others in times of distress. Words of comfort, allowing the opposite party to be at ease, to feel more at home.

I think many people strive to be the almighty one who delivers top notch advices at first hand to people in trouble. I also think that these people don't need to try so hard, because:

1)People won't look for you in the first place if you're not the one they think they can count on for some ideal advice.
2)Sometimes keeping quiet is the best solution to any situation.

I think the former needs no explaination, and on to the latter. I'm not sure if advice is what most people are looking for at most times, but you sure do know that these people do need a listening ear. This applies for myself for sure, because when I'm down and all, all I want to do is for someone who can listen, and whom I know will be interested in listening to what I have to say. She doesn't have to be the one to give the best advices, but little words that respond to what I have to say every now and then work miracles. I mean afterall, I'm there because I've got things inside my heart waiting to pour out isn't it?

So whether your situation is of a first or second category, you're not exactly that hopeless really. But again, if you're the kind to give advices, is giving the best advices always the good solution? I live by my principles, and I try my best to practice what I preach. Okay maybe not preach, but advice, or basically just my philosophy of life. You know it's really difficult sometimes to do what you actually think you can do? Like the age old saying: Saying is one thing, doing is another. How much truth holds in this statement, tell me.

Because you're concerned.

2005-08-21T12:45:00.000+08:00

Many times, the roots of which we call reason are practically and effectively similar. This is especially so touching on the topic of 'Concern', pure genuine concern.

I recently read that the subconscious side of us influences our decisions, thoughts and ultimately actions pretty much to a favourable extent. One you can call large. I've been pondering on the topic for a long time, and came up with a few conclusions. In short, I kind of agree with the statement.

We often find ourselves in situations which we feel the other party is more than just a nag and nuisance. It's always easy to judge people, but never easy to take a step back and think about what others really are. This occurs to most people, myself included. What we perceive as negative attributes, such as nervousness, anxiety, anger etc are most of the times fueled by positive intentions. Our judgement is often influenced by the negative attributes, but by stepping back and think about things carefully, we find ourselves seeing more positive intentions.

It is often crucial before any competition, major or minor to be able to keep calm. I strongly despise asshats and dumbfucks who would stoop low at any level to criticise people who aren't able to keep their nerve, and even calling them names like 'Nervous-wrecker', 'Pussy' or whatever crap shit of that genre. I feel that such people do not even realise how anxiety and nervousness about a competition is more than often caused by concern, concern for the competition. To put it simply, why give more than half a damn when the competition/event means nothing to you?

I apologise for sounding a little harsh, because the auditions are still getting to me. I was nervous, but nobody criticised me for it. I just had to make a tiny link. Anyhow, in most relationships, I think it's important to be able to take a step back at all times to look at the entire situation carefully. Jealousy, possesiveness and feelings of those genre are common in relationships. But, do think closely, and try to relate concern to those so-called negative feelings. Or even nonsensical, irritable reactions, whatever you might call it.

As always, Ivan loves making conclusions using relationships. But remember, do everything in moderation. Just nice, don't overkill.

L'infantile terrible of CJC

2005-08-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

I've totally lost faith in the human race, and its struggle and manipulation of authority and power. What's wrong with the world you say? Hell kid, you obviously have seen nothing beyond that fucked up comfort zone you're proudly shouting out from.

Today we went for auditions on Teacher's Day. And today we failed to get through. I'm feeling fucking pissed now I swear, but nevertheless I will not take it out on anybody but myself. I'm not going to go about all those cliche shit about how we sound much better than the other bands, although that's a fact. But rather, I'll just go on and blame myself. For going sharp throughout the song. Fine, I accept that. But even if politics played a fucking role in this shit, that's also my fault, since it's ME they have an issue with. Geez... What has the world degenerated into? A lump of waste matter.

For Pete's sake, your struggle for authority might make you seem so almighty, but don't come around and preach about being mature and able to integrate into the competitive society. Raising yourself to a 'I'm higher than Thou status' is such a juvenile, infantile act. Nevermind, since it's what you guys believe in, or probably live for. I've had enough, I guess it's the last of my auditions in college. Don't wanna jeorpardise other people who were competent enough of their chance to perform. I've had about enough. I'm over that point. My head's in a whirl now, my anger was just way too overwhelming. I'm not sure what I'm mad at either. But for sure, I am mad at myself. Loser me.

And you say Brave New World. I beg to differ.

Angst

2005-08-15T21:27:00.000+08:00

I'm getting all emo right now after listening to A Decade Under the Influence over and over again.

These days, people are all getting upset over issues that arise from so close, so close from the heart. My heart goes out to all of you people out there, and as much as I try to lend a helping hand over, I can't seem to get anything improving in relations. Girl issues are getting to me, and I'm locking myself in my room for longer hours than ever, screaming songs amongst the blasting stereos.

I'd like to dedicate my entry to two special people in my life of recent, more special than ever. Ironically all the girls I get involved with personally, not romantically, have names starting with S. Weird. Involvements romantically also begin with S. Even more weird than ever.
S1 and S2 they shall be then, the 2 people that is.

To S1:
I think control is the keyword to your situation, and apparently thing's just aren't control-able in your circumstances. As such, pick up the fragments of your broken heart and walk on. You will never be able to pick up every single piece that tore apart, and hence en route will be a painful journey. It will be painful stepping onto those pieces which you failed to pick up and nurse, and those pieces are the ones you should leave behind and never look back in regret - Those are the painful memories.

Nothing is ever easy, and I beg to differ about those who say that maintaining something is harder than starting something. I think in your case, the analogy is very much reversed. Starting to walk this painful pathway is alot more painful than maintaining it. And once you've started to do so, you'll be at the at of the road in no time. And rest assure, that all the blood and tears shed will be well sacrificed. Afterall, pain is the sign of weakness leaving your body. Be strong now, for you will become stronger in time to come. Be strong now, and don't falter, for I will be holding your hands. And may the existence of those giants comfort your walk.

To S2:
It was awfully surprising to realise the deeper dark side of you, not that it's anything negative of course. I'm more than willing to hear you blab out whatever you have in mind, and even lend you a shoulder to cry on. I hope the twilight tears of 30 minutes will cease to soak your pillow for as long as time permits. Your need for a guy is very much understood, and however strong that desire for that very one who you will not settle any less for, bear in mind - If you're looking for it, it won't come your way. That's just about how love functions I guess. Major understatement, but major explaination in that as well. Food for thought, I really wish you the best in all. And if you first ever ends up painful, which it will inevitably, you know who can count on for some instant first-aid. Nevertheless, I do sincerely hope it ends up well. Stay happy, be happy. Smile always. I'll always be behind, in front, left and right of you.

Cheers.